Throwback Thursday: Transcending Tragedy--A Tribute to My Great-Grandmother, Hattie Connolly Christler

This post was originally posted on my Israel/Swedish blog on September 17, 2010. While looking through my archives today, I found this. I needed the reminder that the post gave me. Its one of my favorite pieces I have ever written about my family.

My great-grandmother was an extraordinary women. Until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know anything about her beyond her name and few minor details.

I had the privilege to meet with her daughter, my great-aunt, and learned more about this woman who was a mystery to me.

Before Hattie, my great-grandmother, was 21, she had been married, divorced, lost a toddler to pneumonia, and had given another son up for adoption because she couldn’t feed herself, let alone a small boy. I could surely write page after page about the tragedies of these events. And they were tragedies of pain more than what most of us could think we could bear. I don’t want to dwell on the tragedies of Hattie’s life, but rather focus on the way she transcended tragedy to live a full life complete with happiness and renewal.

Hattie had courage. When she divorced her first husband because of his heavy drinking and carousing, she did so without support from her family. To divorce in the early 1900’s was tantamount to becoming a complete social outcast. It was expensive and difficult to do. But Hattie believed that the right thing to do for herself and for her children was to divorce a man who was not a good husband. It takes courage to go against the cultural rules of one’s society and even more difficult to defy one’s family and face the attendant consequences.

Hattie had strength to made decisions that were difficult and painful. I suppose this also suggests a certain level of pragmatism. When she gave up her son for adoption, I know it wrenched at her heart and hurt for decades after, but she did what she could to take care of her son and give him a stable home.

Hattie had hope. She was only 21 when she married my great-grandfather. He had lost his first wife to an accident and was left with 5 small children. Hattie had hope and trust that she could love again and find a man that was worthy of loving. Hattie and Lockwood were married for over 50 years. I think it requires hope to love again after such a disastrous first marriage.

Hattie was cheerful and patient. Hattie suffered from a stroke 20 years before her death. Her speech never recovered and she was not able to  utter a word for 20 years. Yet, she was patient with others, cheerful and happy. She never became surly, angry or discouraged with her inability to verbally communicate.  

Hattie went on to have three more children, two boys and one girl. One of the boys was my grandfather. She eventually repaired the broken relationship with her parents. She was a stalwart wife and mother, standing by her husband and children through the years. My great-aunt, Hattie’s daughter, remembers her as being very cheerful–especially through the ordeal of having a stroke.

Over the years, Hattie faced the ordinary gamut of human challenges. Deaths, accidents, war, uncertainty, family discord, poverty, etc. Yet she faced her challenges with grace and dignity. While it would be easy to frame her life within the tragedies that she dealt with, I think it would be far more productive and uplifting to view her in the framework of transcendance and as a model of courage. I am grateful to claim this woman as my great-grandmother.

Do you have an ancestor whose story (both good and bad) inspires and encourages you? 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: To My 14-year Old Son

Dear son,

This is your last year of middle school and you are about to go into high school. Yes, high school and it is kind of freaking me out. This year has been a calm one for me and you because I had stepped back and just let you direct your schooling. It was a big risk to take because there was a huge possibility you would fail. But somehow you managed to find a balance that works for you. There are many ways in which I think you could much better--such as getting straight As, but you are the one driving your success, not me. And compared to where you have been, you have made huge progress.

• You are still gregarious and interesting. You laugh a lot and have a joy bubble. Your joy bubble may not be as big as it once was as a preschooler, but it is still there.

• Our relationship is so much better and we are a lot happier when we spend time together.

•  You love working on your computer. You still crave knowledge about interesting subjects. When it is something you like, you really do put time into it.You love animals and are intensely curious how they work.

•  You cook more and do quite a bit in the kitchen. It still takes time for you to finish chores, but you are getting so much better.

• You did wrestling and track and field. I am proud of you for the effort you put into training and competing. I also loved that at your meets, you always took time to talk to me and your siblings. I love that about you. 

• You have the most EPIC hair of any our family. It is my hair, which we both inherited from your great-grandpa Christler. You like it long so it keeps your head warm. You are still always cold. Even in the summer you will wear a ratty yellow hoodie. 

• In many ways, you are still very childlike and have a pure, unfettered joy I love to watch.

•  Even though you are musical, getting you to practice is akin to pulling teeth, painful and hard. So this year you did art. I love the art you are creating. It is usually centered on nature, which you love. Also, you created a cool computer program for an art piece about slot machines. I found you at your desk a couple days later studying the probabilities of the different combinations. On your own, you came up with some formulas and data. 

I think this year was a great one for you. I'm so excited for you next year and hope that it proves to be an even better year.

Love,

Mom

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: To My 16-year Old Son

It's been awhile since I have written updates about my children. They are changing so fast that I need to take a snapshot of their lives.

To my 16-year old son,

This has been a big year for you. I can hardly catch my breath as you make big changes in your life. In two years, you'll be graduating from high school and moving on with your life. When I look at you, I still see your chubby baby face.

In fact, I kind of see all your ages in your face. There was a time when you were obsessed with Bioncles and you played games on PBS kids. Do you remember how you chewed pencils and paper and it drove your teacher crazy? There was a time when we realized you didn't recognize your hunger, thirst, and sleep signals and we had to teach you how to recognize and respond. You are the one child who has the strongest memories of living in Sweden, Israel, and Saudi Arabia. I know it was hard on you to move and experience such dramatic change in your life. I know it has made you reserved and shy-- you have never been the kid with a million friends and you probably never will be. You are also the kid who has had to deal with the majority of our parenting mistakes as your dad and I fumble our way into parenthood. Sometimes you are a great big brother and other times, not so much.

As I see you grow and develop, I am proud of you, the decisions you make, and the direction you are headed. The things I want to remember about you from this school year are:

•  You started to learn how to drive. A month after your birthday, you took your written driver's test and got your permit. You started Drivers Ed in January and have been steadily going to classes and practice driving. You are pretty calm, even when your dad and I aren't. In July, you will take the driving test and if you pass, you will have a car and be on your way to independence. You like to drive as often as possible, even though you first told me you really disliked driving. 

• You started your first year of the Science Research Program. It is an intense program. In one week last summer, you read 10 academic research papers and reported on them--all so you could relax during your summer. You have focused on this program with an intensity and enthusiasm that thrills me. Seeing you doing something that you clearly love and have a real talent for is the most exciting thing for me. You found a mentor and you have already started your research. You LOVE to code and you are largely self-taught. In preparation for your competition, you spent hours on your poster and presentation. After some feedback, you redid the entire poster, just so that it would be right. Your hard work paid off and you placed 3rd at your first competition. I cannot wait to see how you do your Junior year. 

• On your own initiative, you decided to improve your cursive handwriting. You asked for a workbook and then spent a few minutes everyday practicing. Now, your handwriting is legible and even looks nice! You also put in a lot of prep time for your AP, Regents, and SAT exams. This meant taking practice tests, using apps, and going to review sessions with teachers. I didn't push you to do any of that. You recognized that you had to prepare and you took the necessary steps to do well. At this point, I don't even care about your scores because you put so much effort into the preparation.

• You have also faced some challenges with your health. For most of the year, you have dealt with constant headaches. Your pediatrician calls them Chronic Childhood headaches. We've ruled out a tumor, thank goodness. It has been a journey of trial and error trying to find medication that works. Truthfully, I don't know how you have managed to function so well, considering. You do get grumpy and I need to be more patient with you. Sometimes it messes with your sleep. It certainly did a number of your performance during the Cross-country season. I really hope we can figure out the right treatment so you can have a more normal existence.

• You talk to me, a lot. I really appreciate that. You share some of the challenges you experience at school and your feelings about the sometimes less than ideal environment in High school. I know I can talk to you and you listen.

• You are pretty great to your youngest sister. Sometimes I get a big chuckle when I see you watching  a baby show with her or when you read her a story.

• You love playing games online, on your DS, on your phone, etc. But then, you have always loved playing games. 

• You have a cat that you adore. You take great care of her and she responds to you with as much affection as a cat can show.

As you look to your future, just remember that your Dad and I are watching over you. We love you and really want the best for you.

Love, 

Mom

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Reframing the Mess

When Monday rolls around, I survey the weekend damage with anger and frustration. I often mutter under my breath about lazy kids and an ungrateful family. Sometimes I deliver scathing lectures about feeling unappreciated and the need for everyone to pitch in and help. I very often feel like a martyr as I frantically try to tidy messes, mop floors, fold laundry, and scrub toilets.

As I cleaned my bedroom this morning, I was listening to the Freakonomics podcast about Productivity and a guest said something very profound.

DUBNER: OK, so the implication is that there’s a certain kind of compliment or praise that is more powerful or that leads to higher productivity, yes?DUHIGG: That’s exactly right. What we know is that you can train people to believe that they’re in control of their own life, and more importantly, to get them addicted to that kind of pleasant sensation that kind of comes from being in control. 

I have been viewing the household mess as something I cannot control. That out-of-control feeling is extremely stressful and negative.  It impacts how quickly I clean, interactions with my family, and my general mood.

So what if I chose to reframe the mess and my control of it? Perhaps my thought process would look something like this.

My husband and I have chosen certain specialized roles within our marriage. While he is working, I maintain the house and cook. We both share parenting responsibilities. He helps when he gets home, but I can manage the bulk of the cleaning. On weekends, we make the choice to work on bigger projects as a family that include: gardening, home improvement and repairs, and family activities. We include our children in these projects so they can learn how to work together in a group, spend time with my husband and I, and learn skills. Our family also needs downtime to play and relax. I choose to take that time as well. My kids are learning how to help and maintain cleaning zones most of the time. During this busy time of year, there are a lot of extra events that we attend. They haven't finished their work because they were doing homework, babysitting while I attended school concerts and symposiums, or busy finishing up big projects.

When I clean, I can celebrate the fun things we did, the things we are learning as a family, and the opportunity to learn via podcasts and audiobooks. I'm choosing to clean because I appreciate order, cleanliness, and structure.

I choose not to clean obsessively or worry about some of the minor details such as smudges on the windows or dirty walls because I also want to devote time to developing my talents. I'm also doing a lot of work during the day to maintain and develop habits that will lead to mastery of valuable skills such as writing, blogging, scrapbooking, Swedish, and scripture study. I am also working on family history and that is an important endeavor.

I have also committed my time, effort, and talents to serving as Relief Society President in my ward. That means I am simplifying my housework so I can minister to those in emotional, physical, and spiritual need. Consecrating myself to this work means there is less time for an immaculate house but the benefits of my work override what I get out of a clean house.

I am in control here. I am making choices that make sense for my situation and circumstances. I haven't been trading an immaculate house for unimportant or wasteful activities and so I am going to be OK with where I'm at right now.

Do you struggle with something similar? Have you ever faced a situation that you reframed? What happened when you did that? 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Throwback Thursday: Daylight in the Swamps

When I was growing up, my dad would get my sisters and me up with a roar shouting, DAYLIGHT in the SWAMP! We hated it and called it Daylighting. Nothing got us out of bed faster than the threat of being daylighted.

Fast forward twenty years and I’m reading a book set in the late 1860s in a logging camp in the Michigan forests. Imagine my total shock and surprise when I read that the camp cook would wake up the lumberjacks with the call, “Daylight in the Swamps”. The story explained that it was a unique phrase that began in the golden era of logging for white pine in the forests of Michigan in the post-Civil War era. In order to get the country back and running, massive amounts of logs were needed. White pine was like gold and was found in Michigan. The lure for money and also solitude was strong for men recovering from the trauma and horror of the Civil War. Farmers who needed extra cash to make their farms run would spend their winters logging.

It dawned on me that I have deep family roots in Michigan. James Carlos Christler, my great-great grandfather, was born in New York in 1830. He moved to Flint, Michigan as a boy and lived and died there. Flint, Michigan was right at the heart of the logging boom following the Civil War. It is conceivable that either he or a family member took up logging to help their families. And even if they didn’t, the phrase originated in that area so they would have heard it and probably used it.

My dad said that his Uncle Elmer used to say that to him in the morning. This phrase originated from the post Civil War era in Michigan and has traveled over 150 years through generations of Christlers. I don’t say this to my kids, but I’m going to now and I’ll tell them the story of how words can last forever. 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Winter Rose Highlights

Winter Rose is my little buddy, my companion, and the cutest snuggle bug. I am so lucky and happy we spend our days together. Here are some of my favorite pictures of her recently.

She likes:

• playing with dolls
• singing
• reading stories
• hanging out with me
• scrambling eggs and cooking (real cooking, not play cooking)
• playing outside
• cleaning and working
• nursery 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Throwback Thursday: April 2015 Summary

Trent and Track

Trent joined Modified Track and did the long jump and one of the races. He is cute and works hard. 

Brooke and the Recorder

Brooke learned the recorder and worked really hard to learn her songs. She played in a big concert in April and did a wonderful job!

Spring!

Spring has come and the best part is working in the garden. I love seeing the daffodils and forsythia!

French Foreign Exchange Student

We hosted Florian, a young man from France, in our home for 10 days. He was a delight to have in our home. We showed him around New York, taking him to historical sites, shopping at the outlet mall, and trying different fun foods. He was really great, and hopefully, enjoyed our massive family.

Winter

Winter is darling and fun. She loves writing just like mom.

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED