Mothering Monday: Reframing the Mess

When Monday rolls around, I survey the weekend damage with anger and frustration. I often mutter under my breath about lazy kids and an ungrateful family. Sometimes I deliver scathing lectures about feeling unappreciated and the need for everyone to pitch in and help. I very often feel like a martyr as I frantically try to tidy messes, mop floors, fold laundry, and scrub toilets.

As I cleaned my bedroom this morning, I was listening to the Freakonomics podcast about Productivity and a guest said something very profound.

DUBNER: OK, so the implication is that there’s a certain kind of compliment or praise that is more powerful or that leads to higher productivity, yes?DUHIGG: That’s exactly right. What we know is that you can train people to believe that they’re in control of their own life, and more importantly, to get them addicted to that kind of pleasant sensation that kind of comes from being in control. 

I have been viewing the household mess as something I cannot control. That out-of-control feeling is extremely stressful and negative.  It impacts how quickly I clean, interactions with my family, and my general mood.

So what if I chose to reframe the mess and my control of it? Perhaps my thought process would look something like this.

My husband and I have chosen certain specialized roles within our marriage. While he is working, I maintain the house and cook. We both share parenting responsibilities. He helps when he gets home, but I can manage the bulk of the cleaning. On weekends, we make the choice to work on bigger projects as a family that include: gardening, home improvement and repairs, and family activities. We include our children in these projects so they can learn how to work together in a group, spend time with my husband and I, and learn skills. Our family also needs downtime to play and relax. I choose to take that time as well. My kids are learning how to help and maintain cleaning zones most of the time. During this busy time of year, there are a lot of extra events that we attend. They haven't finished their work because they were doing homework, babysitting while I attended school concerts and symposiums, or busy finishing up big projects.

When I clean, I can celebrate the fun things we did, the things we are learning as a family, and the opportunity to learn via podcasts and audiobooks. I'm choosing to clean because I appreciate order, cleanliness, and structure.

I choose not to clean obsessively or worry about some of the minor details such as smudges on the windows or dirty walls because I also want to devote time to developing my talents. I'm also doing a lot of work during the day to maintain and develop habits that will lead to mastery of valuable skills such as writing, blogging, scrapbooking, Swedish, and scripture study. I am also working on family history and that is an important endeavor.

I have also committed my time, effort, and talents to serving as Relief Society President in my ward. That means I am simplifying my housework so I can minister to those in emotional, physical, and spiritual need. Consecrating myself to this work means there is less time for an immaculate house but the benefits of my work override what I get out of a clean house.

I am in control here. I am making choices that make sense for my situation and circumstances. I haven't been trading an immaculate house for unimportant or wasteful activities and so I am going to be OK with where I'm at right now.

Do you struggle with something similar? Have you ever faced a situation that you reframed? What happened when you did that? 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Being Present

It's twilight and the kids are jumping wildly on the trampoline, reveling in the warm weather and late sunshine. My husband and I are running around on the yard, throwing balls over the trampoline net as the kids shout and laugh. The moment is serene, relaxed, and, with the filtered light of the sun as it sets in the horizon, magical.

Until I ruin it. As the kids play, my mind goes to the green brier patch in the back I am fighting. If I start now, I could eradicate a few of the beasts before the sun fully sets. I run to the laundry room, changing into my heavy, protective clothing and attack my consuming foe. My phone rings and it is my husband, asking why I left the family as they play.

Sadly, this isn't a one time event. I get consumed by my personal projects, household responsibilities, and my interest in whatever is playing on my screen.

I'm not a natural at playing with kids. Heck, I wasn't even a natural at playing when I WAS a kid. I would lose patience with games my sisters and I played and I would invent very imaginative ways to get out of playing so I could go back to my solitary interests of reading or being alone. In many ways, I am an extrovert, but I also crave solitude and space to work on my own interests. I don't enjoy board games or sports. Playing with toys makes me want to poke my eyes out. And I totally loathe watching animated films. All of this conflicts vastly with today's parenting methods.

A recent conversation on a radio show about parents getting too consumed with their phones, email, and social media and how that impacts their relationship with their kids made me really stop and think.

I wasn't being present with my own children. I have a 16 year old son who will be leaving home in 2 1/2 years. My baby will go to school in 3 years. What am I missing about my kids?

(This is me, holding my daughter's hand as we walk around.)

That evening, I made dinner and brought a quiz game to play while we ate. We joked and laughed as we tried to guess the connection between three things. Instead of the colossal chaos and noise usually present at the table (and from which, I usually try to escape, because I feel utterly overwhelmed by the sound).

The next morning my daughter was buried in a game and I asked her to come and help me make muffins. She turned me down and I realized, I had caused that. She was used to me turning her down so I could do something else. I insisted that she come and help me. After a few tears, we spent the next 20 minutes making muffins.

That afternoon, I took one of my daughters and one of my sons to a music video shoot. As I watched them interact with the other performers and play with carefree abandon, I realized that I have actually been missing a lot.

It's embarrassing to admit this. I want to be a good parent. I want to nurture and raise my children so they grow to be happy and productive adults. The good thing is that I have time to correct this and I will.

Have you ever realized that you were making big mistakes as a parent? What did you do to fix the problem? What difference did it make for your family?

Mothering Monday: Fights, bickering, and arguing.

Our winter break started today pretty badly. My husband ran to Home Depot to pick up some things for a cool project he is doing. I ate breakfast and finished up my daily Swedish practice. I assigned the kids some chores and then once they were done, they were free to hang out downstairs and play games and watch TV. We have had terribly cold temperatures here so it isn't really comfortable for the kids to go outside and play.

While cleaning my bedroom, I heard my youngest son crying and whining. It wasn't a hurt cry--it was a mad cry. The kids play Minecraft together on their Kindles. They always end up fighting. I put Jonathan in time out and moved the other kids around. After doing some more work, another fight had blown up, involving the oldest. I took away all the electronic devices and had the kids work on different jobs. Brooke cleaned the walls in the hallway. Jonathan scrubbed half of the bottom cupboard doors in the kitchen. Josef went to help his dad with the house projects. Walter was sent to carry up boxes to the study.

Pretty soon, both the youngest kids settled down and stopped fighting. They even told me they were much happier. After finishing their jobs, they were allowed to play again. I don't know how long the playing with hold.

I did also have a run-in with the oldest boy and oldest girl. My oldest son, who is a teenager, and therefore, not super patient with his siblings, was telling his sister that she was the cause for all his headaches. I intervened but not with a good effect. I talked to my daughter about lowering the volume of her voice (she is very loud and often speaks in a ear-piercing shriek). I wish my oldest hadn't tried to lay a guilt trip on my daughter.

This parenting business is hard. I am not good at mediating arguments because I often lose my temper. I think I did well today in assigning jobs. I will do that in the future because it defused the situation and had a positive effect. I didn't act like it was a punishment, but just asked the kids to work on jobs. They both felt proud of their work because I thanked and complimented them.

Do you have any tried and true tips for dealing with sibling spats?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

From My Heart: Thoughts about the Experience that is Mothering

I have been a mother now for sixteen years to six children ages 16, 14, 12, 9, 6, and 2. I am deep in the trenches of potty training, toddler tantrums, multiplication facts, learning how to read, middle school drama, sports, musicals, acne, puberty, and AP exams. So yeah, life is a wee bit busy.

Even though life is busy, I'm a thinker. I ponder my experiences and my thoughts about my children all the time. I'll be in the midst of a diaper change and inside I'm trying to figure out how I feel about this mothering thing. The fact is, I really, really love being a mom. Sometimes I don't like my children very much, but I wouldn't change my life. Many times the work that must be done to keep things under control such as laundry, dishes, and scrubbing bathrooms frustrates me. When other obligations cut down on my housekeeping time and the jobs pile up while the filth grows, I find myself anxious and happy to get back to the simplicity of cleaning while teaching and training my kids.

I have felt rumblings and stirrings in my heart for awhile about things I have learned. For some reason, I want to share these things with the world. I recognize my experiences, lessons, and realizations do not reflect the general feelings and thoughts about motherhood. You may read this piece and think I am a terrible mother. That's ok. We all have different experiences and thoughts about parenting. These are mine. Hopefully one or two might resonate with you.

Mothering is hard because you fail a lot.

I was pretty confident about being a mom when I had my first child. I was the fourth girl in a family of eight. I babysat, helped my mom with my younger siblings, and was generally mature and responsible. Mostly I was okay as a new mom. Turns out I am really good with infants-or at least my infants. They tend to sleep pretty well, I don't get riled up when they cry, and we all generally enjoy that first year. It also turns out that toddlers are not my forte at all. I am not always sympathetic or kind to my children. I lose my temper a lot. In other words, I fail over and over again--constantly.

I used to beat myself up about my mistakes--and truthfully I still get discouraged at myself for my failures. However, kids are remarkably resilient and are the perfect tutors on failing. Have you ever watched a baby learn how to walk? They fall over, they bonk their heads, they smack their bottoms, they cry, they get scared, they get frustrated, and then--they stand up and take those steps and keep on doing it until they not only walk, but run! It's remarkable and humbling.

I want you to remember that parents are like babies learning how to walk. Sure, you can read or watch other parents, but until you actually take those steps to parent, you really don't have a clue what you are doing. You are definitely going to fall, bonk your head, smack your bottom, cry, get scared, feel frustrated, and then--you are going to figure things out. It will happen over and over again and as long as you keep trying to do better, everything is going to be ok. One more thing, have you ever noticed that babies don't worry that they are failing to walk? They don't beat themselves up over falling. Don't beat yourself up when you fail as a mom. It's ok. Just get back up and try again.

Mothering is hard because kids cry and fuss a lot when they need something.

I just spent 30 minutes listening to my toddler fuss at me because she is exhausted. After I fed her (without a lot of success) I snuggled her and then put her to bed. I know she is going to do the same thing around 5 p.m. and it will go on longer. It's hard. My kids are wild when they get home from school. They are cranky, tired, hungry, and over-stimulated. Bedtime is rough. But it is going to be ok.


I figured out several years ago that 80% of my kids' behavior problems (crying, fussing, fighting, yelling, etc.) could be solved with regular naptimes, consistent bedtime, and a careful schedule of snacks and meals. I don't mess with sleep or food. I'm the same way too. I'm such a better mom when I go to bed early and eat regularly. I tend to make dinner in the morning right after breakfast because that takes a huge burden off my shoulders in the afternoon when everyone melts down.

Mothering is hard when your kids are struggling with life and school.

Two of my kids have ADHD. I have spent hours, days, and weeks working with my kids to help them develop routines and structure. I have spent horrible hours prodding one of my kids through homework. (Ok, do the next problem. Stay with me here. It won't take you long if you just do it.) We also have moved a lot. My oldest son has attended 9 different schools in his career. It hurts to see your kids struggle to find their place among peers and to make new friends. It hurts to get those calls from the school saying your child needs help or is struggling.

What I've learned is that you will learn how to deal with those challenges. You will go stronger and more educated. You'll research, ask questions, and get help. One day you may be sitting with teachers and school staff and tell them what you do to help your child and they will be amazed and appreciative. You will hit roadblocks and you'll figure out how to overcome them. Your heart will swell with pride when your child moves forward academically or socially--because you knew how much effort it took to get there.

Mothering is hard because dealing with different stages feels like forever.

You know when you potty train, you feel like it is never going to happen and your kid is going to be wearing diapers in high school? Well, I think that is one of the most challenging parts of parenting. You can never really see the end game and you feel like a phase is going to last forever.

Luckily those stages and phases don't last forever. So take a deep breath and do your best. Then stop worrying. You will figure out how to help your child toilet train, stop sucking their thumb, write on the walls, or whatever. Try and keep the big picture in mind.

Just as a caution as you wish your kids would grow up already (!) don't wish away the sweet times you are having. Did you know that toddlers give the best (slobbery) kisses and hugs? Teenagers don't hug you so much. Did you know that smaller kids think you are SO smart? Then they grow up and question you on everything. Did you know that teenagers are really fun to talk to because they have interesting ideas and thoughts? While you are struggling with potty-training or whatever phase is causing you pain, try to think about the good things you are also experiencing with your child at the moment. I promise it does make you feel better.

Mothering is hard because it is really important.

A few years ago I listened to a podcast from This American Life about nurturing and attachment. I was blown away when I realized that simple act of softly touching your baby's face and cooing to them helped them develop attachment, empathy, and love. Babies who aren't touched and loved when they are little have a very difficult time learning how to relate to people and to love. Even if you have no clue how to be a mom, take time to be soft and gentle with your little one. Do your best and you will reap some wonderful things.

Try to be gentle with yourself too. I know so many wonderful moms who parent differently or look at things differently. The one thing that unites us is that we are all trying our best.

Now, I would love to hear from you in what you have learned about mothering. I love learning from you!



© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

September 2015 Review

September was just gorgeous--a welcome extension of the summer. I had a stressful summer so it meant a lot to me enjoy some wonderful vacation/warm weather/outdoor moments in September.

School Begins

I hate it when school starts. I hate saying goodbye to my children and having them gone for hours everyday. I know I am weird in how I feel about this, but it is true. I love the magic and lack of structure that summer brings. I love being outside and enjoying the warm sunshine. It was with a very sad and heavy heart I waved my kids off on the bus for a new school year. I have two children in elementary school, two in middle school, and one in high school. So far, all the kids seem to be happy about their teachers and schedules.

Winter and I resumed our habit of waiting for the bus to come home after school. She is my little buddy and just loves being outside with me. She also loves seeing her siblings come home. One day we were sitting outside and it hit me that she will soon go away and I'll wait alone for the kids to come off the bus. They sure do grow fast. 

Kids Just Don't Stop Growing

Along with the theme of Winter growing, my boys are growing and changing too. Josef join the ranks of YM in July. The first day of school, my three oldest boys all went to the temple with their dad for a youth temple trip. 

How the heck did this happen? Weren't they just babies like yesterday???

Up to the Adirondacks We Go

We have some friends who own a complex of cabins up north, near the Canadian border, in New York. They have been very generous in allowing us to go an explore the area. This time, they were headed up there themselves for Labor Day Weekend. We divided up the cabins between the two families. One of the best things about their cabin is that they have a dock on a gorgeous lake. They have plenty of water equipment like canoes, paddle boards, tubes, water-skis, and a motor-boat, Since the weather was so gorgeous, we spent most of our time playing on the water. We even took the kids out to water-ski for a bit. I think my kids like swimming and water as much as I do.

We had one really hilarious experience on the water that will probably become family legend retold at all family dinners and funerals. One evening, as the sun was taking its sweet time to set, our friends went to a cocktail party across the lake. Determined to get in one last jaunt on the lake, the older three boys took a canoe out. Trent had on flippers in case he decided to swim later. Brent and I settled the younger kids in the canoe and paddled across the lake. Seeing the sun slowly dip down the horizon over the lake was magical. Winter and Jonathan gently drifted off to sleep as we paddled. As the sun dipped lower, Brent and I turned around the canoe and set back for the dock. We weren't in a hurry but didn't want to be caught on the lake in the dark without light either. As we were paddling home, we heard and saw a tremendous splash in the middle of the lake. The shouting indicated that the boys were involved. As we grew closer, we saw all three boys in the water, the canoe tipped over, and heard a lot of shouting. It's pretty hard to right a canoe, especially in deep water, without help. As the boys floundered and shouted at each other, we paddled hard to get to them. I was trying to calm down the boys and stop the the terrific row they were having, but they ignored me totally. Meanwhile, Brent is trying to figure out how to lift the canoe over ours so they can get it turned over. Finally, a motorboat roars out to us and cuts their engine. A nice elderly couple motoring home from the cocktail party asked how they could help. I was so mortified to hear the boys continue their vehement and loud arguing. With the help of the motorboat, we fix the canoe, get the boys settled in the canoe and headed back to the shore. Did that end the debacle? No. They fought the entire way back to shore. I was so mortified because sound carries across the whole lake. Our friends commented on it when they got back and said that we were louder than the college kids across the lake. I don't know if we'll ever be invited back again.

Ward Service Project

A young man in our church congregation put together a great Eagle Scout project to paint, clean, and organize a small homeless shelter in a nearby community. To support him finish the project, all auxiliaries took charge of a different section. It was a big undertaking. The Relief Society was in charge of the attic sorting and organizing clothing. You cannot even begin to imagine how cluttered and disorganized it was. I was so worried that it would take us days to finish. This is where the miracle of volunteers comes in. We had several people come in during the day from church and with their help we finished in a decent amount of time. I'm really proud of the work we did.

Colonial and Revolutionary History

Our area of New York has a lot of Revolutionary War Historical sites. You can hardly throw a stone without hitting something of historical importance. Brooke's teacher gives homework passes to students who attend special events like this Revolutionary War Weekend up at a historical home in Fishkill. I took the kids there after church. They looked really cute walking around in their church clothes. We all enjoyed the historical demonstrations, especially the musket demonstration. I have ancestors who lived in New York during the late 1700s. I have ancestors who were loyalists and some who were patriots. When I attend events like this, I don't feel remote or removed from the events. I can imagine people I'm related to living life in this manner.

Apple Picking: An Annual Tradition

Hudson Valley has hundreds of apple orchards. In the fall, apple products overwhelm the market. You just haven't lived until you have tasted fresh pressed apple cider from a local orchard. Apple Cider donuts are to die for. Then the different varieties of gorgeous apples just make my mouth water. I love taking my kids to pick apples. We do it every year. Sometimes Brent can come with us and other times he has to work. This year it was just me and the five younger kids. Walter opted to stay home and work on homework. Trent was awful and several times I wanted to pack everyone in the car because Trent kept arguing with me. Winter had a marvelous time picking apples off the ground.

Constitution Marsh

Brooke's class went on a field trip to Constitution Marsh, a protected wetlands area with a mission for educational conservancy. Brent went along and they both had a grand time together.

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED