Thoughts on Strengthening Marriage

 On Monday, my husband and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary! 

We have had many experiences including:

• Becoming the parents of six children
• Living in three different foreign countries.
• Supporting each other through multiple university degrees, including a PhD for Brent.
• Buying a house.
• Surviving a serious house fire.
• Rebuilding a house which was completely gutted. (Talk about stressful)
• Chronic illnesses—lupus & Hashimotos
• A miscarriage in the early second trimester.
• My husband worked in Saudi Arabia for a year before we moved there and was gone for large chunks of times.
• Car troubles
• Financial troubles
• Landlords and getting threatened by a landlord
• Mental illness in children
• My own depression
• Health episodes that required hospitalization
• Kids breaking bones, needing stitches, getting concussions
• Living really far from family and support systems
• Multiple moves 
• Death of loved ones
• Pets
• And on and on

I am not an expert on other people’s marriages and I don’t think every marriage can or should be saved. But I do know what has been a blessing in my own marriage. To that end, here are a few things I believe about strengthening marriage.

I think marriages live and die on the small, everyday things instead of the big romantic gestures or dramatic fights. 

Picture a leaky bucket that needs to be constantly filled. Its easier to fill it constantly instead of filling it one go. 

Here are some simple ways to show love:

1. Warm hellos and goodbyes
2. Touches and kisses as you pass by each other
3. Expressions of gratitude for the things each person does during the day
4. Simple texts throughout the day 
5. Spending time at the end of the day together. Talk about the day.
6. Sharing jokes. I like sending memes.
7. Look for ways to lighten your spouse’s load
8. Genuine compliments
9. Focusing on positive things about your spouse. When I focus on why I love my husband, my love for him grows. When I dwell on the negative, my love diminishes. On my own, I often list the things I like about my husband. I also tell him. But I try to keep my inner dialogue on the positive. 
10. Ignore the negative (This one is tricky, because you should NOT ignore or excuse bad behavior or abuse. But, most of us do stupid things that are trivial. Ignoring those things is ok.)
11. Share a tv show or book. 
12. Surprise your spouse with a little treat like their favorite drink, snack, candy, etc.
13. Spend quality time with your spouse daily. Make sure you get time together. If you are apart because of work trips, make sure to reconnect daily through conversations.
14. Look for ways to serve your spouse. If they have a hard time getting up, how can you make their morning easier? Bring home dinner, especially on a day when the stay at home parent has had a hard day. Don’t ignore the dishes. Start the laundry. Help kids pick up the toys.
15. Show support to your spouse at work. Can they share their struggles and challenges with you? Make sure you are a safe person to express their frustrations. Cheer their successes. 
16. Be a cheerleader to your spouse! You should be their #1 fan. Tell them you are proud of them.
17. Be a safe place to express emotions and feelings. Listen and offer love and comfort. 
18. Back scratches, foot massages, playing with hair

What are some tips for strengthening marriage through small everyday things? 

The Trouble With How We Teach and Learn History (at least in the United States)

 As a history grad student, I think a lot about how we teach and learn history. This is a hot topic in my classes. Frankly, I get a little heated when I witness the academic hand-wringing that takes place, even as much of what academics do is totally inaccessible to most people. 

History is generally taught in grade school as factual and somewhat one-sided, or at least it was when I was a student. Public historical debates often focus on the true cause of a historical event. In the past, popular historical figures had their histories whitewashed. For example, it was hidden and denied for almost a century that Thomas Jefferson had a long-standing sexual relationship with his slave, Sally Hemmings. Today, a lot of popular history focuses on the darkest aspects of people and events. For example, now people want to focus primarily on that aspect of Thomas Jefferson's character and pay little attention to his role as a politician and writer. Ironically, both are true facets of Thomas Jefferson's history. He was a brilliant writer, politician, and had a sexual relationship with Sally Hemmings which resulted in several children, that were only freed after Jefferson's death. Another example would be the long-standing debate about the cause of the Civil War. Was it a war over slavery or state's rights? After extensive historical reading, I feel confident in saying that the Civil War was about slavery, AND state's rights, AND secession. It is absurd to say or even believe that every soldier who fought in the war fought because of slavery. Each soldier had their own individual motivation to fight in that war and many were forced to fight. 

The gift that my master's program has given me is that history is complex and multi-faceted. It has encouraged me to look at events and people from different perspectives. It has taught me the value of using AND when I look at historical topics. For example, I did a deep dive last year about an event that occurred in Missouri and Arkansas during the Civil War involving an ancestor of mine. As I dug deeper into the event, I saw multiple sides to the conflict and still have many unanswered questions. I think this is how we need to approach historical topics. We need to embrace the AND, look at multiple perspectives, and allow for different interpretations. We need to look at the evidence. Look at journals, letters, and books for the evidence. There are so many sources available now for free online. I think we should apply this in the classroom in age-appropriate ways. A topic that would be interesting to dive into for high school students was the Columbian exchange and the debates about Christopher Columbus. There are so many facets to this history that can be addressed. Why were European countries expanding their empires? What were they hoping to gain? How did they treat the indigenous peoples they encountered? How did indigenous peoples respond to colonization? The Columbian exchange changed how Europeans ate, spread new diseases, and also changed global trade. The follow-up to all these discussions would be to examine the holiday of Columbus Day, which was originally created to better integrate Italian Americans and alleviate the racism and violence they were experiencing. That would lead to discussions about immigration and racial construction at the turn of the century. 

My biggest gripe with Academic history at the grad school level (I cannot speak for it on the undergrad level because I was an English major) is that academic history is mostly inaccessible to most people. First, academics write in nearly incomprehensible ways. They refer to complicated philosophical theories such as Michel Foucault (the worst and grossest philosopher on the planet) that are torturous to understand. The language is so complex that their point is often obscured. Second, the books they write are intended for an academic audience so regular people don't read them. Most libraries don't buy them and most people don't have thousands of dollars a year to keep on top of the latest historical books. Third, academic historical journals are too expensive for most people. In other words, people don't learn about academic historic debates, and why they matter, because the writing is difficult to read and the literature is generally unaffordable for most people. As my time as a grad student comes to an end, I am mourning my loss of access to academic journals and books. I can't afford a journal subscription or the books. For all that academics try to be nuanced and multi-faceted, their goal fails because it never reaches a broad audience. Academic history remains the purview of the privileged few. 

In conclusion, I wish people would read more before they share their opinions about historical events. I wish they would do more research. And I wish that we would embrace more nuance in our historical debates. Choose the AND.