This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind for several days because I have come across several disturbing articles in the aftermath of the release of the rapist, Brock Turner. The articles and comments I have read shouldn't shock me, but they do because things haven't changed much in my lifetime. If anything, I feel like the acceptance of rape is increasing, which rather alarms me. This is not a comfortable piece to write and I acknowledge that it will likely make many of my readers feel uncomfortable because its a hard topic to discuss. I ask that you read carefully and consider my perspective.
Fortunately, I have never been raped, but the fear of rape has stayed with me since I became a young woman and learned what rape was. I have friends and family members who have either been sexually abused or raped. Of these women, not one of them was ever assaulted by a stranger. All of them were abused or raped by someone they knew and trusted: a parent, a grandparent, an uncle, a cousin, a brother, a friend, a boyfriend, or a trusted family friend. It's ugly but these things really do happen. I don't know of anyone who was every able to bring their rapist or molester to trial. Not one. Most of them couldn't even bear to report because authorities or leaders weren't so helpful or respectful of what they had experienced. Trials are notoriously horrific for victims of sexual assault because their characters are often torn to shred by lawyers in public. Now, if you are reading this and you don't know anyone who has ever experienced this, then the people close to you aren't telling you for a reason--they may be so ashamed of what happened to them, they may wrongfully blame themselves, or you may have done something that signaled that you can't be trusted with such painful and scary information.
I hit puberty rather late in my teens--around the time I was 14 1/2. During Junior High, I endured comments, jeers, and even some attempts at groping from my male peers. This was normal for my school and very little was done to stop it by teachers or parents. In fact, if a girl complained, it was very unlikely anything would happen to her perpetrator. When I finally hit puberty, I grew rapidly and was very curvy, which brought new attention to my body. Attention I was extremely uncomfortable with. I also knew that no one was going to protect me and I had to protect myself. I'm very small and so I developed the biggest, gruffest, boldest, meanest personality I could manage. Learning about feminism helped me articulate the inequities and injustices I saw and experienced as a female, but also gave me courage to speak up about things that were happening right then. It worked and I basically scared a lot of boys away-something that I don't regret at all.
I have been thinking about my teenage experiences with a view toward what my daughter, who has just begun middle school, and what she will potentially experience. She is sweet, innocent, and very much a child. I'm very nervous about the challenges ahead for her. How do I help her protect herself? How do I teach her to trust her intuition? How do I allow her to experience the joys of crushes and falling in love, but teach her to be wary of situations that feel wrong-even with boys she might like? I'm only in charge of one side of the equation here and it is really tough.
On the other hand, I have three teenage sons and we have these conversations often. I talk to them about how they talk to and about girls. I shared my experiences in junior high and the fear I felt about the way boys and men reacted to my body. They were very understanding and hopefully, they have listened to my advice and counsel. I would be so ashamed if one of my sons acted badly or inappropriately to any girl or woman.
As a woman with daughters, I want people to understand something really important about me. I'm not an object to be lusted after, leered at, or used. I have a body that is a vessel for my thoughts, feelings, experiences, intellect, and work. I have a body that is full of the power to create. I'm a person of value. I want my daughters to be viewed as people of worth because they are human, worthy, and valuable.
I want good men to:
1) listen with compassion when women talk about rape and assault,
2) openly condemn men who rape, assault, harrass, or abuse women (or children),
3) encourage justice and appropriate punishment for rapists,
4) stand up for women and be a protector,
5) treat women with respect and consideration,
6) work on not objectifying women or their bodies,
7) respond to young men and teenage boys and talk to them about appropriate ways to talk to and about girls.
What are you thoughts about this?
© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Fortunately, I have never been raped, but the fear of rape has stayed with me since I became a young woman and learned what rape was. I have friends and family members who have either been sexually abused or raped. Of these women, not one of them was ever assaulted by a stranger. All of them were abused or raped by someone they knew and trusted: a parent, a grandparent, an uncle, a cousin, a brother, a friend, a boyfriend, or a trusted family friend. It's ugly but these things really do happen. I don't know of anyone who was every able to bring their rapist or molester to trial. Not one. Most of them couldn't even bear to report because authorities or leaders weren't so helpful or respectful of what they had experienced. Trials are notoriously horrific for victims of sexual assault because their characters are often torn to shred by lawyers in public. Now, if you are reading this and you don't know anyone who has ever experienced this, then the people close to you aren't telling you for a reason--they may be so ashamed of what happened to them, they may wrongfully blame themselves, or you may have done something that signaled that you can't be trusted with such painful and scary information.
I hit puberty rather late in my teens--around the time I was 14 1/2. During Junior High, I endured comments, jeers, and even some attempts at groping from my male peers. This was normal for my school and very little was done to stop it by teachers or parents. In fact, if a girl complained, it was very unlikely anything would happen to her perpetrator. When I finally hit puberty, I grew rapidly and was very curvy, which brought new attention to my body. Attention I was extremely uncomfortable with. I also knew that no one was going to protect me and I had to protect myself. I'm very small and so I developed the biggest, gruffest, boldest, meanest personality I could manage. Learning about feminism helped me articulate the inequities and injustices I saw and experienced as a female, but also gave me courage to speak up about things that were happening right then. It worked and I basically scared a lot of boys away-something that I don't regret at all.
I have been thinking about my teenage experiences with a view toward what my daughter, who has just begun middle school, and what she will potentially experience. She is sweet, innocent, and very much a child. I'm very nervous about the challenges ahead for her. How do I help her protect herself? How do I teach her to trust her intuition? How do I allow her to experience the joys of crushes and falling in love, but teach her to be wary of situations that feel wrong-even with boys she might like? I'm only in charge of one side of the equation here and it is really tough.
On the other hand, I have three teenage sons and we have these conversations often. I talk to them about how they talk to and about girls. I shared my experiences in junior high and the fear I felt about the way boys and men reacted to my body. They were very understanding and hopefully, they have listened to my advice and counsel. I would be so ashamed if one of my sons acted badly or inappropriately to any girl or woman.
As a woman with daughters, I want people to understand something really important about me. I'm not an object to be lusted after, leered at, or used. I have a body that is a vessel for my thoughts, feelings, experiences, intellect, and work. I have a body that is full of the power to create. I'm a person of value. I want my daughters to be viewed as people of worth because they are human, worthy, and valuable.
I want good men to:
1) listen with compassion when women talk about rape and assault,
2) openly condemn men who rape, assault, harrass, or abuse women (or children),
3) encourage justice and appropriate punishment for rapists,
4) stand up for women and be a protector,
5) treat women with respect and consideration,
6) work on not objectifying women or their bodies,
7) respond to young men and teenage boys and talk to them about appropriate ways to talk to and about girls.
What are you thoughts about this?
© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
