Mothering Monday: Self-Care

I am just starting to climb out of the hole of depression. In October, I started seeing a therapist. Through our sessions, I started to see that over the past year, I haven't been taking care of myself in the way that a woman needs so that she is fully functional in her life.

Apparently, when I don't take care of myself, I stop feeling pleasure in life. I stop enjoying food, cooking, creating, parenting, and living. It is an odd feeling really, when you can't experience simple pleasures like the delightful sweet tart bite of a blueberry in your mouth, or the soothing spray of a hot shower on your tense shoulders, or the shiver of delight from a loving touch, or your heart singing from listening to your favorite song. A world without being able to experience simple pleasures is such a bummer.

I have been slowing down lately, taking time to read silly novels without guilt. We have relied on processed food to make meal time easier. I took a week off from mom duty and visited two sisters and my parents. I bought some clothes, scrapbook supplies, and even some music. I have been going to bed early and resting as long as I can. I have delegated more and done less. Brent and I have gone out on more dates--just taking off and enjoying time together. I did a lot of soul-searching about my discontent and made some future goals that inspire and encourage me. I am also trying to consciously think and articulate gratitude.

I am starting to feel joy in things again. The fall leaves and the light this autumn have made me smile over and over again. My kids are cute and wonderful again. I am not all the way back to where I want to be, but I am not feeling dark and awful. I still don't enjoy cooking or food--which is super weird, I really don't understand why. Writing remains difficult as I am not flooded with ideas or thoughts. But I am not worried as I know this is just a dry season. It will work out.

I really want to thank all of my family, friends, and readers who took the time to reach out to me. You made me feel valuable and loved. You helped me get the courage to take the steps I needed to get better. You showed me that I am not alone--even when many of you live far away from me. I feel remarkably blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Mothering Monday: Mom Burn-Out

If you have been reading my blog over the past summer, I think you can tell that I'm experiencing mom burn-out. The kind of burnout where I went from regularly cooking homemade meals to considering fast food as a viable option for dinner. Every.Single.Night. While I didn't serve fast food every night, I fantasized about it everyday. I used to read to my kids all the time but the other day, I searched for bedtime stories on YouTube. My patience and interactions with my children are extremely short. The worst thing is that I don't really feel much happiness when I'm doing my work as a mom or when I spend time with my children.

Let me be clear about something. I deliberately chose to be a mother. I was not coerced, manipulated, or forced into having babies. Most of my children were planned and those who weren't, were welcome surprises. I think being a mother is an extremely important calling and I willingly accepted that calling. I am proud of the work I am doing as a mother. Raising kids who are independent, hard workers, kind, compassionate, helpful, and decent people is worthwhile work.

Right now I am not feeling the joy of working on something important. I just feel cranky, tired, out-of-sorts, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I find that when faced with challenges (which is normal with kids) I don't even have the energy to cope with them. This is not good, people.

So how do I get my mojo back? How do I find happiness in the experience? How do I find more pleasure in interacting with my children? How do I stop being/feeling so darn grouchy with my family?

Seriously, I am so curious what kind of answers you have to offer.


© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED                                              

Mothering Monday: Back to School

My five older children started school on September 1st. Most of them were happy about the transition. I have two kids in high school, two in middle school and one in elementary school. I'm happy to see their progress.

Winter and I are having growing pains as we adjust to our new schedule. During the summer, Winter had constant playmates and spent most of her time outdoors with her siblings. Now that the kids are back in school, I have a tall list filled with things I had put off during the summer. I have fallen out of the habit and practice of playing with Winter. She would like to spend all her time playing on the iPad, but that isn't an option at home, so we are both trying to figure out how to keep her busy and entertained while I finish church and home assignments that have been piling up.

We are both having a tough time sleeping. She moved from her crib to a toddler bed. All toddlers struggle to adapt without the bars. I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Summer Confessions of a Mom

I let my kids sleep in their clothes with dirty feet, dirty faces, and dirty teeth.

I only washed the bathing suits a few times and instead just threw them in the dryer to dry for the next day of swimming.

I seriously neglected the laundry.

I forced my older kids to go on outings to the local zoo and to the beach.

I let the older kids go on biking expeditions around our village hunting for Pokemon Go.

I locked my kids outside while I cleaned the house because it was grossing me out.

I let the kids watch TV or play games on their devices all day.

I made the kids do chores and clean the house.

I forced everyone to clean out their clothes and toys and we got rid of bags and bags of stuff.

I took the kids swimming frequently and only brought along a few snacks.

I made the kids play outside without any electronic devices.

I let the kids sleep outside without an adult supervising.

I made lots of frozen and prepared foods like burritos, taquitos, etc.

I let the kids stay in their pjs all day.

I made the kids mow the lawn.

I woke the kids up around 8 a.m. and made them help me with stuff around the house.

I ignored the mess and did my own little fun things.

I stayed up late watching movies with my husband.

I skipped FHE and went to a movie with friends.

I took my kids on tons of outings to the local fair, local zoo, beach, etc.

How was your summer? Did you let your hair down and relax? Did you get on a tight schedule?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Safety Calls vs. Moral Judgments

Over the past few years news reports in the media have been filled with stories of children being left unattended for a few moments (in reasonably safe situations), a stranger calls the police, and the parents face charges of neglect/abuse. The childhood most us of enjoyed where our parents allowed us freedom and autonomy has been replaced with a brand of obsessive and excessive helicopter parenting. Even parents who don't favor the current flavor of hyper-vigilance are terrified to not maintain the status quo because if they aren't hovering their child, some stranger will make a call that could destroy their family.

It's crazy and infuriating. Why did our society make this shift? When did we stop helping one another and start accusing each other?

A few researchers from the University of California, Irvine wanted to study this phenomenon and discovered that the majority of these cases were based on moral judgments against the parents rather than actual danger faced by the child.

This statement by one of the researchers struck me as very important:

 I guess what I would like people to start thinking about is how this new legal standard of paranoid parenting enshrines a kind of class privilege. Besides the fact that it is irrational, the idea that you must watch your child every single second until they turn 18 is deeply classist. It's not something you can even aim for unless you have a whole lot of money, and probably not a lot of children. For parents who are working, who have more than one child, who need to get something else done during the day — to say nothing of single parents — that model of parenting is absurd. If you think about Debra Harrell's situation, she's raising a child while working a minimum-wage job. Suddenly, we as a society have decided (without any rational basis) that she is negligent for allowing her 9-year-old to play in a public park. This is very, very disturbing to me. It is basically criminalizing poverty and single parenthood.

I think changing this mania has to start with parents themselves. First, we need to start supporting and helping each other instead of judging and convicting one another. Second, we need to start realizing that we all have parenting styles and the majority of them are okay. Third, lets loosen up with our kids and let them have some freedom and autonomy in their lives.


What do you think about this? Have you ever worried about letting your child play alone because you are afraid that someone will call the cops on you?  

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Getting Ready for School

In just two and half weeks all my kids will return to school. It sure went by fast, as it always does. With five kids in three schools, it does take some maneuvering to get everyone ready for school while keeping to our budget.

Prep Work

I find it wasteful and extravagant to purchase new clothing, new shoes, and completely new supplies for the new school year, so I always assess our stores and current situation before buying new items.

1) Clothing: We clean out each child's closet thoroughly and then assess the condition, size, and function of each item. I throw away any item that is stained, torn, or worn out. Some items my kids won't wear-for whatever reason and so I prepare those for charity. I then count quantities of pants, shorts, underwear, socks, long-sleeve shirts, and short-sleeve shorts. In general, I like to have 5 pairs of pants, 5 pairs of shorts, five long-sleeve shirts, and five short-sleeve shirts. My boys like hoodies, so we make sure they each have 1-2 hoodies in good condition.

2) Shoes: I only replace shoes as they are worn out or needed for an event. This year, three of my kids needed new shoes for school. I check the shoe situation every few months and we buy new shoes as needed.

3) School Supplies: There is so much waste at school with notebooks, crayons, markers, etc. At the end of the year, my kids have brought home empty notebooks that only had one or two pages marked. I throw out any worn or broken supplies and then sort the usable supplies into groups. Then I pull out the necessary supplies from the school list. Any items we don't have, I plan a shopping trip with a detailed list.

4) Backpacks and coats: I do not replace backpacks or coats unless they are damaged or worn out. I purchase high quality backpacks and coats at our wholesale club with the intention that they will be used/worn for two or more years.

Shopping

I compile a shopping list based on the needs and holes left after assessing our resources. I plan a trip to a location that has a good selection of modestly priced stores. One shopping complex about 30 miles from my home has a Walmart, Target, Kohls, an outlet mall, and a wholesale club. Its almost one-stop shopping which is great in my book.

If our budget allows, I will buy one new outfit for each child. You may be cringing with horror at thought of the kids using hand-me-downs or not getting brand new items. The fact is, I make sure my kids have decent clothes in good condition. I feel like it is wasteful not to use the things we have well. We do buy new items, but only when it is necessary. My kids do get the fun of shopping and getting some new items. But they also understand that we have a budget that has to be worked with.

I hope that over the years, my kids  understand that you can have a wonderful life and many great experiences on a budget. I don't think it is good for kids to think they have unlimited resources to buy whatever they want whenever they feel like it. Such an attitude can lead to debt and poor financial decisions. How many young adults in the United States are dealing with staggering student loan payments because no one ever talked to them about practicality and working within a certain budget?

How do you get ready for school? Do you have certain rituals and practices?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Onto a New Phase of Mothering

At the moment, I am literally buried by clothes. When you have six children, the clothes situation is no joke. As a family we are trying to live a bigger life with more experiences and less stuff. Last week, I challenged my children to go through all their belongings so we could hold a garage sale of our unwanted and unused items. Any proceeds they earn will go to a daytrip at a local water park, or another destination of their choosing. They are slowing working their way through their junk. I'm buried in the contents of several plastic bins looking for items to sell and to reorganize.

That pink bin on the table in the picture was filled with Winter's baby clothes. Winter is now 2 1/2 and truthfully, she is our last baby. We feel our family is complete with six children and I'm ready to move onto a different stage of parenting and new personal opportunities. My husband and I feel at peace with our decision, but oh the flood of memories I have experienced as I have sorted through those tiny baby clothes.

Many people would hold onto that bin of clothes for sentimental reasons. Others might keep them just in case another baby were to come. I can't see the practical benefit of keeping the clothes. We don't intend to stay in New York forever. At some point, we hope to live abroad again, and will likely have to massively reduce our belongings. Speaking from personal experience, it is better to declutter gradually so it isn't a huge undertaking in the end. Also, I don't want to burden my children or grandchildren with the decluttering process four or five decades later. It's time to let those clothes go, while they are in good condition and can be a blessing to another family.

I did save a few little precious outfits that were particularly meaningful. My older boys wore these bright orange hoodies when we lived in Sweden. I could always pick them out in a crowd at the playground.

I discovered two of my abayas tucked away in the bins. I kept those because I want to remember what it felt like to live in the Middle East and wear an abaya. Seeing my abayas also reminds me of our adventures our the wonderful friends we made.

As I have sorted through clothes I have remembered what it was like to have three small active and mischievous boys with their Bionicle and Superhero obsessions. Seeing my girls' clothes reminds me how I much I wanted daughters and what they mean to me. (I wanted my boys too, but I had a whole bunch in quick succession, and given my husband's extended family, it looked like I wouldn't have a daughter... Plus the whole lupus thing almost made having more children an impossibility.) While I reflect on their childhoods, I also see how they are all growing up so well. As much as I enjoy looking back, I am so excited for their futures.

These clothes are tangible reminders that I appreciate, but I can give them up because their stories are recorded in scrapbooks filled with pictures and details that are rich and vivid.

As my kids outgrow their clothes and toys, we are moving on to new opportunities. Soon my oldest will either leave for a mission or start university. My youngest is just a few short years away from kindergarten. My role as mother is changing and evolving. I don't find the change frightening, but rather interesting and full of possibility.

So goodbye old clothes. You've served us well. You kept my kids clothed through all sorts of adventures. I've washed you more times than I can count and I'm happy to say goodbye to both the washing and the clothes.

When you transition to a new phase of life, do you find that process challenging? How do you find peace with a new phase? How do you deal with old clothes your children have outgrown? 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Creativity as a Mother

This post about being creative as a mother really spoke to me. Please read and enjoy. It's worth your time, I promise.

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: The Pros and Cons of Being a SAHM

My oldest son was born six months after I graduated from university. My husband was still in college at the time and working part-time. I had worked part-time every summer since I turned 14. With the exception of my freshman year in college, I also worked 20 hours a week while going to school. I earned just enough money to cover my few expenses: rent, food, and gas. My husband and I attended BYU in Provo, Utah so thankfully, our tuition was very low and we were able to cover it with Pell grants, money earned from jobs, and scholarships.

After our first baby was born, we discussed what we were going to do. Could we make it on one income while Brent was still in school and would be in school for many more years to come? Would it be better for me to work to bring in additional income? As we pondered our options, it became clear that there weren't enough financial benefits to justify me going to work a low-paying job--something I would likely get, given my degree in English Literature that I wasn't certified to teach in. I decided to stay home and take care of our baby.

After making that decision, my husband was promoted at work, working the same hours but receiving a substantial pay raise. He also received scholarships. During his years as a student, we only took out a couple small student loans. Financially, things have always seemed to work out for us, often miraculously. I have been a SAHM for 17 years which has its pros and cons.

I recently read a personal essay by a woman who had also chosen to stay at home with her kids. She expressed regret that doing so gave her little say in how her life turned out as a wife to a corporate expat who has moved frequently around the world. I felt puzzled and saddened by her regret as I'm sure, given my own experiences, that she has likely led a life that many would envy. Perhaps she wrote the piece on a particularly bad day dealing with challenges or maybe she has carried her what-ifs and regret throughout the entirety of her time as a mother. I don't know. It can be easy to make up fantasies of an unrealized ideal when you are dealing with the very real challenges of being a SAHM.

I think each woman has to craft life as a mother to her circumstances, relationships, financial situation, and personal strengths and weaknesses. The way my life looks isn't going to be the same for anyone. My list of pros and cons of being a SAHM are very personal. Your list will probably look very different.

So here is my list of pros and cons of being a SAHM:

PROS

• Being so intimately involved with my kids' lives--and every aspect of their firsts.
• Being the stable force that grounds the family. There have been times with my husband's travel schedule that I am the one constant for my kids.
• Having time to develop my creative pursuits and talents. I don't think I could blog as often as I do if I were working full-time and raising my kids on top of that.
• Having time to volunteer and help with school.
• Having time to volunteer at church.
• Having flexibility in my schedule to deal with problems or challenges. For example, if one of my kids gets sick, I have the time and ability to take care of them.
• Spending significant amounts of time with my children, in a group, and as individuals. 
• Working with my kids. 
• With my health sometimes being a challenge, I have the leeway to rest and take care of my health needs.
• Having time to help with homework--this is also a con.
• Lots of unstructured and fun time during the summer.
• Time to cultivate friendships with other women. 
• Having flexibility to move with my husband's job.
• I get to cultivate qualities such as patience and diplomatic skills worthy of negiotiating peace in the Middle East but sadly don't seem to always work at home.

Cons

• The housework seriously never ends.
• The mess never seems to end and I haven't been very successful at training my children to really pitch in and help.
• At times the budget is tight without a second income. We mostly meet our needs, but there are many wants that often go unfulfilled such as dance and music classes.
• You are never, ever done with your job. Breaks are minimal and the work is really hard.
• A lot of the work I do often gets messed up and that makes me feel very frustrated.
• Because of the flexibility of my schedule, often important things fall through the cracks.
• Getting distracted from jobs because you tend to have to put out fires with everyone.
• Being a chauffeur.
• Cooking over and over again. Every. Single. Day.
• Staying up all night with a cranky or sick child and then having to function the next day with your kids.
• Feel guilt all the time about what you are doing or not doing. 
• Criticism from society about everything you are doing wrong as a parent.
• Dealing with assumptions that you aren't a productive or intelligent member of society as a SAHM.
• Being so tired you can't even read a book. 

What pros and cons of being a SAHM would make your list?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Getting to Know Cousins

My children live hundreds, and thousands, of miles away from their cousins. It is one aspect of our lives that I wish I could change. When we are able to connect with family, I really appreciate how my kids get to interact and play with their cousins. This trip to Wyoming was very special because they were able to spend time with the majority of their cousins. Here are just a few of those special moments.

 Hunter and Jonathan

Hallie and Brooke

 Walter and Que

 Tiffany, Winter, Trey, Duffy, Jonathan

 Spencer and Jack

 Jessica and Que

 Seth, Toby, Josef, Jarrett, Jonathan, Jessica, Christopher

 Brooke, Hallie, Seth, Trisha, Trey, Duffy, Christopher, Tanner, Spencer

 Aunt Lori, Winter, Brooke

 Winter and Jarrett

 Winter and Scott

 Shealynn and Winter

 Trent, Seth, Isaac, Jonathan, Walter, Jarrett, Blake, Josef, Scott

 Morgan, Walter, Winter, Brooke, Jonathan

 Aunt Lori, Winter, and Jack

 Tiffany and Morgan

Greyson

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: To My Six-Year Old Son

Dear J.C., Johnny-boy, Jon, Non... (all your nicknames)

You just finished first grade and it was such a big year for you. You fell head over heels in love with your first grade teacher whom you called Mama Critter. In her class of Little Critters (from the Mercery Mayer stories), you grew and changed so much. You enjoy school and try very hard at your school work. You are very social and have many little friends you care deeply about. At school you enjoy recess, gym, math, poetry, and singing. You love hot lunch and dislike sack lunches. Even though you work hard at school, you emphatically dislike doing homework and would often cry and whine during homework time.

You are a very gentle little boy and have a deeply loving and affectionate nature. Your teacher loved her daily hugs from you. Both your principal and assistant principal told me that you give them a hug on the way to the bus and they await that special end to their day.

Your favorite color is yellow and you LOVE my version of spaghetti carbonara. You have a special yellow blankie you still like to snuggle at night. You don't like sleeping in a room alone.

Sometimes you get mad at me and pout a little when I don't give you what you want. You don't really throw a fit, but you definitely sulk. 

You get along so well with other kids and are attune to their needs. You are accommodating without being a pushover.

I love your cute freckled face. We are both sad that your blonde hair has darkened to brown. You told me that you plan to dye it yellow when you grow up. For crazy hair day, we spray painted it yellow.

You are still scared to swim, but I think you will turn a corner this summer at your swim lessons.

I love you, sweetheart!

Love, Mom

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Celebrating Independence Day, Cody Style

Mothering Monday: Family Information Binders

As a parent, I am in charge of all our family's documentation parents. Because we have lived in three different countries and my children have attended 10 different schools, I have found that keeping my records well-organized and accessible has been imperative. Even if you don't move a lot or travel out of the country, keeping track of important documents and information about your family is essential. I have an extremely easy yet effective system that costs little, but really pays off.

Each family member is assigned a one-inch binder. Because my kids have favorite colors, I found binders in those colors. I labeled the edge and front of the binder with each person's name.

I have four categories in each binder: identification papers, church documents, health, and school.

The first category is identification papers.

I store the following documents in this category:

• birth certificate
• social security card
• identify documents for any countries we have resided in
• marriage certificate (for my husband and I)
• any other document that provides identification

The second category is church documents. 

I store the following documents in this category:

• blessing certificate
• baptism certificate
• priesthood ordinations
• primary graduation
• any awards earned

The third category is health. 

I store the following documents in the this category:

• yearly physicals
• current immunizations
• test results from x-rays, MRIs,etc. 

The fourth category is school.

I store the following documents in this category:

• college transcripts
• scholarship letters
• college acceptance letters
• diplomas
• moving up certificates
• final report card from each year
• transcripts from any school attended
• IEP or 504 Plan documents

The beauty of this system is that it is so easy to adapt to any family's situation. You can remove or add categories based on your needs. These binders have proven to be invaluable for our family through our moves. I can't tell you how many times I have needed to provide documents at a moment's notice. Because my children have collectively attended 10 different schools in the past 11 years, it has been helpful to be able to hand over a complete transcript of their education. 

Some of you may wonder if it is secure to maintain these documents in one visible location. Many experts suggest keeping all important documents in a safety deposit box at a bank. I can understand the logic behind that, but our circumstances have never allowed us that luxury. We have often needed certified original copies of documents, so I simply keep them together in the binder. If you are worried about security but want to adopt this system, I would suggest that you copy all the originals and store them in a safe locations, such as a safety deposit box, and then organize the copies into binders as I have done here. I also have scanned copies on my computer so I can access them digitally, if needed. 

When my children are fully independent, I will pass off their binder to them. Already my oldest son has used his a lot when he took his driver's test, signing up for college courses, taking ACT and SAT exams, opened a bank account, etc. He knows where to find his important information and can easily fill out forms himself now, using the contents of his binder. 

How do you store your family's information? Did you find this helpful? 

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: To My 14-year Old Son

Dear son,

This is your last year of middle school and you are about to go into high school. Yes, high school and it is kind of freaking me out. This year has been a calm one for me and you because I had stepped back and just let you direct your schooling. It was a big risk to take because there was a huge possibility you would fail. But somehow you managed to find a balance that works for you. There are many ways in which I think you could much better--such as getting straight As, but you are the one driving your success, not me. And compared to where you have been, you have made huge progress.

• You are still gregarious and interesting. You laugh a lot and have a joy bubble. Your joy bubble may not be as big as it once was as a preschooler, but it is still there.

• Our relationship is so much better and we are a lot happier when we spend time together.

•  You love working on your computer. You still crave knowledge about interesting subjects. When it is something you like, you really do put time into it.You love animals and are intensely curious how they work.

•  You cook more and do quite a bit in the kitchen. It still takes time for you to finish chores, but you are getting so much better.

• You did wrestling and track and field. I am proud of you for the effort you put into training and competing. I also loved that at your meets, you always took time to talk to me and your siblings. I love that about you. 

• You have the most EPIC hair of any our family. It is my hair, which we both inherited from your great-grandpa Christler. You like it long so it keeps your head warm. You are still always cold. Even in the summer you will wear a ratty yellow hoodie. 

• In many ways, you are still very childlike and have a pure, unfettered joy I love to watch.

•  Even though you are musical, getting you to practice is akin to pulling teeth, painful and hard. So this year you did art. I love the art you are creating. It is usually centered on nature, which you love. Also, you created a cool computer program for an art piece about slot machines. I found you at your desk a couple days later studying the probabilities of the different combinations. On your own, you came up with some formulas and data. 

I think this year was a great one for you. I'm so excited for you next year and hope that it proves to be an even better year.

Love,

Mom

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED