Mothering Monday: Back to School

My five older children started school on September 1st. Most of them were happy about the transition. I have two kids in high school, two in middle school and one in elementary school. I'm happy to see their progress.

Winter and I are having growing pains as we adjust to our new schedule. During the summer, Winter had constant playmates and spent most of her time outdoors with her siblings. Now that the kids are back in school, I have a tall list filled with things I had put off during the summer. I have fallen out of the habit and practice of playing with Winter. She would like to spend all her time playing on the iPad, but that isn't an option at home, so we are both trying to figure out how to keep her busy and entertained while I finish church and home assignments that have been piling up.

We are both having a tough time sleeping. She moved from her crib to a toddler bed. All toddlers struggle to adapt without the bars. I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Getting Ready for School

In just two and half weeks all my kids will return to school. It sure went by fast, as it always does. With five kids in three schools, it does take some maneuvering to get everyone ready for school while keeping to our budget.

Prep Work

I find it wasteful and extravagant to purchase new clothing, new shoes, and completely new supplies for the new school year, so I always assess our stores and current situation before buying new items.

1) Clothing: We clean out each child's closet thoroughly and then assess the condition, size, and function of each item. I throw away any item that is stained, torn, or worn out. Some items my kids won't wear-for whatever reason and so I prepare those for charity. I then count quantities of pants, shorts, underwear, socks, long-sleeve shirts, and short-sleeve shorts. In general, I like to have 5 pairs of pants, 5 pairs of shorts, five long-sleeve shirts, and five short-sleeve shirts. My boys like hoodies, so we make sure they each have 1-2 hoodies in good condition.

2) Shoes: I only replace shoes as they are worn out or needed for an event. This year, three of my kids needed new shoes for school. I check the shoe situation every few months and we buy new shoes as needed.

3) School Supplies: There is so much waste at school with notebooks, crayons, markers, etc. At the end of the year, my kids have brought home empty notebooks that only had one or two pages marked. I throw out any worn or broken supplies and then sort the usable supplies into groups. Then I pull out the necessary supplies from the school list. Any items we don't have, I plan a shopping trip with a detailed list.

4) Backpacks and coats: I do not replace backpacks or coats unless they are damaged or worn out. I purchase high quality backpacks and coats at our wholesale club with the intention that they will be used/worn for two or more years.

Shopping

I compile a shopping list based on the needs and holes left after assessing our resources. I plan a trip to a location that has a good selection of modestly priced stores. One shopping complex about 30 miles from my home has a Walmart, Target, Kohls, an outlet mall, and a wholesale club. Its almost one-stop shopping which is great in my book.

If our budget allows, I will buy one new outfit for each child. You may be cringing with horror at thought of the kids using hand-me-downs or not getting brand new items. The fact is, I make sure my kids have decent clothes in good condition. I feel like it is wasteful not to use the things we have well. We do buy new items, but only when it is necessary. My kids do get the fun of shopping and getting some new items. But they also understand that we have a budget that has to be worked with.

I hope that over the years, my kids  understand that you can have a wonderful life and many great experiences on a budget. I don't think it is good for kids to think they have unlimited resources to buy whatever they want whenever they feel like it. Such an attitude can lead to debt and poor financial decisions. How many young adults in the United States are dealing with staggering student loan payments because no one ever talked to them about practicality and working within a certain budget?

How do you get ready for school? Do you have certain rituals and practices?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Mothering Monday: Homework Accountability and Failure

When I was growing up, if I didn't turn in my homework assignments, I was held accountable by my teachers. As far as I know, my parents were never contacted about late or missing homework. This wasn't because I was a perfect student. Far from it, I was/am a terrible procrastinator and often failed to deliver on big assignments and projects. I am sure my mom helped me when I was little with homework, but in general, she expected me to manage my own homework assignments.

In today's hyper-competitive parenting competition, such a hands-off approach toward homework is largely disdained, by parents and teachers alike. As a parent who prefers a hands-off approach, I find myself struggling to find some kind of happy medium. I feel like my primary responsibility as a parent is to raise my children so they can grow up and function without constant reminders or help from me. Wild idea, I know. That means, I think, that at some point in the twelve years of elementary, middle, and high school, parents need to step back.

I help my elementary school age children read directions for assignments and coach kids on spelling. With my older kids, I provide editing services and may talk them through assignments if they need help. My husband provides assistance for big science and math questions. We have a designated homework space and we also have a schedule which includes time for homework. I also think kids need downtime playing outside. So if the day is nice, I will send them outside to play before homework. I also encourage my kids to tackle projects in a timely manner to avoid the procrastination trap. I stay in the homework room while the kids are working to encourage and help as needed.

I don't check their pages to make sure they got every problem correct because I have this crazy idea that if they get a problem wrong, then the teacher will know what needs to be reviewed.  I don't check the school website everyday to review homework assignments, because I think my teenagers should be able to manage that without a parent's help. (Although in the beginning, we do that together so they learn how.) I don't intervene if a child gets a bad grade on a project or has a consequence for not completing assignments.

Sometimes (especially for a particular child) I get emails from teachers complaining about a large volume of missed assignments. I follow up with that child and they complete the work and turn it in, even if they will still receive a zero. I don't have a problem with that, but I do get frustrated when I feel that the (mostly middle) school expects me to micro-manage my children's homework, the quality of work they turn in, and keeping up with assignments. I spent three horrific years trying to do this for one of my kids and it nearly destroyed our relationship and my after-school sanity. I spent almost 5 hours a day forcing him to do homework. I dealt with email after email from teachers until I thought I was going to go crazy. I appreciate that my town's schools expect parental involvement which is beneficial for kids, but at some point kids have to take control of the reins to their education.

At this breaking point, I made a radical decision to step back and give my child the opportunity to fail. I'm not sure that all the teachers on the team were understanding of my desire but they respected it and have mostly supported me in giving my child autonomy in managing his homework. The result has been that he has a high B average. He could have As across the board because of his abilities, but this is what he is willing to do. Our relationship has improved greatly. I don't dread the after-school hours anymore because its not going to be a battle between the two of us. We have so many more positive interactions. Perhaps most importantly, he has taken on the responsibility for managing his workload. I have much more confidence in his ability to go onto high school and even college because he is becoming more independent.

The lesson I have learned is that at some point, parents need to give space for their children to fail, and that, in doing so, things are going to be okay, even if they do fail. The world isn't going to fall apart if one kid never turns in his homework and I'm still an okay parent for giving him that space.

Have you experienced this pressure to hyper-supervise and manage your child's homework? Have you had homework battles? Do you feel pressure from other parents and the school about how much time you need to spend with your child on homework? How do you navigate school challenges with your children?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Travel Tuesday: The Challenges of Being a Third-Culture Kid

A third-culture kid (or TCK) is a child who has spent a significant portion of their childhood living outside his or her passport country. My three oldest children definitely qualify as TCKs. I did not learn about TCKs until we lived in Riyadh. Learning about this concept helped me tremendously. But I wish I had known about it while we lived in Sweden.

Today I came across some school papers from 2008-2009 when my oldest son was in 3rd grade. As I looked through the pages, I realized that he was experiencing classic symptoms of being a TCK-something none of the adults involved recognized and consequently were not able to help him adequately.

At the beginning of the 2008-2009 school year, we were still in the middle of huge transitions. We had only been living in the United States for 9 months-after spending 5 1/2 years in Sweden. My children hadn't eaten Kraft mac and cheese, sugar cereal, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They hadn't even seen television commercials for several years. They had grown up in a dual-language environment that was culturally diverse.

Moving to New York was a profound shock for all of us. We went from an apartment to living in a house. We drove everywhere in New York instead of biking or taking public transportation. The kids movements and freedom became greatly restricted. In Sweden, they had been allowed to visit friends and go places without an adult hovering around them. In New York, the kids always had to have an adult with them when outside. The cost of living was also a shock. Even though my husband received a much bigger salary, we were very unprepared for the high cost of rent, utilities, and general living expenses. Our world shrunk because along with the higher cost of living, free activities were pretty sparse in the area.

Additionally, as I tried to reconstruct our lives, finding all the doctors I needed to manage my health conditions was difficult. I neglected finding an endocrinologist and so my thyroid health spiraled downward causing severe health challenges. I would eventually enter a pretty terrible lupus flare and then become pregnant. 2009 was a intense difficult year filled with health challenges, school challenges, culture shock, and a horrible battle with our landlord.

This is just the outside stuff. My son had left all his friends the year before, all that he knew and was familiar to him. At the beginning of 2008, he went to two different second grades--one in Wyoming and then the one in New York. We hobbled along at the second school. But third grade proved to be exceptionally difficult for him.

In coping with his stress he started to chew non-food objects like pens and papers. This bothered the teacher and principal so much that he was referred to the psychologist. I received many complaints about my boy that year as he struggled along, trying to find his footing, friends, and stability. Despite my efforts to keep things stable at home, my health had spiraled out of control. Even though we tried not burden our kids with what was happening, the truth is that we were all impacted by what was happening.

I wish that I had known the challenges that TCKs face as they struggle to adapt to new environments. I wish I had been able to educate the school staff about what we were facing as a family in adjusting to being back in the United States. I wish that the teacher would have seen how hard we were trying as a family and how we just didn't have the resources at that time to do better. I wish someone would have loved my little boy at that school and understood him and his needs better.

As I think about that time and how my children were affected by circumstances beyond their control, I am grateful for their resilience. I'm grateful for what we've since learned. My boy (and really all the kids) adjusted and adapted. They are bright, kind, and interesting boys. I know more now and have the resources, tools, and skills to better help my kids adjust.

The paradox of life is that we all exist in a state of duality. Most of our experiences couple the bad with the good. Being a TCK comes with some remarkable gifts and experiences but it is coupled with loss, pain, and suffering. Most of the time I focus on all the great things we've experienced but sometimes, the hard stuff rears its ugly head and I have to deal with it.

What are some of the dualities of life you have noticed?

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

September 2015 Review

September was just gorgeous--a welcome extension of the summer. I had a stressful summer so it meant a lot to me enjoy some wonderful vacation/warm weather/outdoor moments in September.

School Begins

I hate it when school starts. I hate saying goodbye to my children and having them gone for hours everyday. I know I am weird in how I feel about this, but it is true. I love the magic and lack of structure that summer brings. I love being outside and enjoying the warm sunshine. It was with a very sad and heavy heart I waved my kids off on the bus for a new school year. I have two children in elementary school, two in middle school, and one in high school. So far, all the kids seem to be happy about their teachers and schedules.

Winter and I resumed our habit of waiting for the bus to come home after school. She is my little buddy and just loves being outside with me. She also loves seeing her siblings come home. One day we were sitting outside and it hit me that she will soon go away and I'll wait alone for the kids to come off the bus. They sure do grow fast. 

Kids Just Don't Stop Growing

Along with the theme of Winter growing, my boys are growing and changing too. Josef join the ranks of YM in July. The first day of school, my three oldest boys all went to the temple with their dad for a youth temple trip. 

How the heck did this happen? Weren't they just babies like yesterday???

Up to the Adirondacks We Go

We have some friends who own a complex of cabins up north, near the Canadian border, in New York. They have been very generous in allowing us to go an explore the area. This time, they were headed up there themselves for Labor Day Weekend. We divided up the cabins between the two families. One of the best things about their cabin is that they have a dock on a gorgeous lake. They have plenty of water equipment like canoes, paddle boards, tubes, water-skis, and a motor-boat, Since the weather was so gorgeous, we spent most of our time playing on the water. We even took the kids out to water-ski for a bit. I think my kids like swimming and water as much as I do.

We had one really hilarious experience on the water that will probably become family legend retold at all family dinners and funerals. One evening, as the sun was taking its sweet time to set, our friends went to a cocktail party across the lake. Determined to get in one last jaunt on the lake, the older three boys took a canoe out. Trent had on flippers in case he decided to swim later. Brent and I settled the younger kids in the canoe and paddled across the lake. Seeing the sun slowly dip down the horizon over the lake was magical. Winter and Jonathan gently drifted off to sleep as we paddled. As the sun dipped lower, Brent and I turned around the canoe and set back for the dock. We weren't in a hurry but didn't want to be caught on the lake in the dark without light either. As we were paddling home, we heard and saw a tremendous splash in the middle of the lake. The shouting indicated that the boys were involved. As we grew closer, we saw all three boys in the water, the canoe tipped over, and heard a lot of shouting. It's pretty hard to right a canoe, especially in deep water, without help. As the boys floundered and shouted at each other, we paddled hard to get to them. I was trying to calm down the boys and stop the the terrific row they were having, but they ignored me totally. Meanwhile, Brent is trying to figure out how to lift the canoe over ours so they can get it turned over. Finally, a motorboat roars out to us and cuts their engine. A nice elderly couple motoring home from the cocktail party asked how they could help. I was so mortified to hear the boys continue their vehement and loud arguing. With the help of the motorboat, we fix the canoe, get the boys settled in the canoe and headed back to the shore. Did that end the debacle? No. They fought the entire way back to shore. I was so mortified because sound carries across the whole lake. Our friends commented on it when they got back and said that we were louder than the college kids across the lake. I don't know if we'll ever be invited back again.

Ward Service Project

A young man in our church congregation put together a great Eagle Scout project to paint, clean, and organize a small homeless shelter in a nearby community. To support him finish the project, all auxiliaries took charge of a different section. It was a big undertaking. The Relief Society was in charge of the attic sorting and organizing clothing. You cannot even begin to imagine how cluttered and disorganized it was. I was so worried that it would take us days to finish. This is where the miracle of volunteers comes in. We had several people come in during the day from church and with their help we finished in a decent amount of time. I'm really proud of the work we did.

Colonial and Revolutionary History

Our area of New York has a lot of Revolutionary War Historical sites. You can hardly throw a stone without hitting something of historical importance. Brooke's teacher gives homework passes to students who attend special events like this Revolutionary War Weekend up at a historical home in Fishkill. I took the kids there after church. They looked really cute walking around in their church clothes. We all enjoyed the historical demonstrations, especially the musket demonstration. I have ancestors who lived in New York during the late 1700s. I have ancestors who were loyalists and some who were patriots. When I attend events like this, I don't feel remote or removed from the events. I can imagine people I'm related to living life in this manner.

Apple Picking: An Annual Tradition

Hudson Valley has hundreds of apple orchards. In the fall, apple products overwhelm the market. You just haven't lived until you have tasted fresh pressed apple cider from a local orchard. Apple Cider donuts are to die for. Then the different varieties of gorgeous apples just make my mouth water. I love taking my kids to pick apples. We do it every year. Sometimes Brent can come with us and other times he has to work. This year it was just me and the five younger kids. Walter opted to stay home and work on homework. Trent was awful and several times I wanted to pack everyone in the car because Trent kept arguing with me. Winter had a marvelous time picking apples off the ground.

Constitution Marsh

Brooke's class went on a field trip to Constitution Marsh, a protected wetlands area with a mission for educational conservancy. Brent went along and they both had a grand time together.

© 2007-2016 TIFFANY WACASER ALL RIGHTS RESERVED