Thursday, June 22, 2017

An update

It has been a long while since I posted on my blog; I will get to that in a bit with whatever piecemeal explanation I can give. My heart and body have been begging me to write and I have started at least a half dozen posts and deleted them all. Words come out haltingly and stuttered, meanings are half-uttered, and I falter, unable to continue. I am starting to get back to the point of wanting to cry all the time, for no apparent reason, so my body tells me it must come out, imperfect and ridiculous as it is.

Last summer the bottom of our world kind of dropped out. I found myself fighting an uncomfortable depression and while trying to cope, things happened in my family. I can't go into specifics because they involve others and I must respect their privacy. What I can say that it probably isn't as dark or as awful as you might be imagining, but neither was it exactly rosy. It took my husband and I a few months to sort of grasp what was happening and since then we have been on this mad dash to find help and a cure, if you will. As we have faced challenges in our immediate family unit, tragedies of various degrees have struck our siblings and their children. All this to say that we have been through a lot of hurting.

I can say that it has been, without  a doubt, the worst school year we have ever experienced, individually and collectively. I have spent more time on the phone with school staff and have been on the receiving end of an incredible amount of support and help. My husband and I have spent more hours and days than we would care to searching for solutions and help in our community. We have tried different things, all with varying degrees of success and failure, but mostly failure.

I didn't want to write about any of this until it was over, done, finished, we made it through this trial, but such isn't the case. I have no idea how long this will continue or if it will ever end. I am not comfortable or great with uncertainty, even though I understand, intellectually, that is often the total sum of human experience.

So in the midst of this trial/challenge/life experience that I am being so vague about it, it is maddening, we have also experienced miracles in the moments we most desperately needed them. Miracles from talking to the right person who could give us help and advice, peace after a violent storm, kindness from friends, prayers answered. I started taking yoga and exercising at a gym, which has helped with the stress and tension.

So there you go. I'm not sure what else to say nor if I achieved anything with this, but I feel a little better, so there is that.

No comments: