I Was Totally Wrong

I've been doing this parenting gig for 18 years. With six kids ranging in ages from 4 to 18, I have a pretty decent amount of parenting experience.

I have had this idea or expectation about parenting that I was supposed to: a) protect my kids from harm and b) teach my kids so they would make good decisions and go down a good path.

Turns out I was totally wrong. I definitely think that parents should protect their kids and teach them good principles. BUT, I can't realistically protect my children from every harmful thing (physical or emotional) and I certainly can't control my children's choices. Heck, I can't even make my son turn in his chemistry lab. For a while, I've been beating myself up about my parenting weaknesses, failures, and mistakes. I guess I'm really good at the self-flagellation thing, but it is a horrible space to occupy mentally and can be really hard to recover from.

So here is why I think I'm wrong about how I viewed parenting. The truth is my job as a mother is to love my kids unconditionally, help when they get hurt (physically, emotionally, or spiritually), and to help my kids figure things out whatever choices they make. It's a relief to reframe my responsibilities in that way. First, I am really good at loving my kids. Second, I am good at helping when they get hurt. Third, I have enough life experience to help my kids navigate their choices.

The way I have approached parenting up till now is fear-based which is completely exhausting. Trying to protect one's kids from everything means living in fear constantly and coming up with every scenario and then creating solutions or plans to avoid the pain. Fear is also the primary motivator with ensuring my kids make all the right decisions. That doesn't allow them to grow.

I don't think I really was abiding by the original parenting philosophy but I sure was beating myself up when things went wrong, as they inevitably do. I think my second approach is better because it frees me up to do what I do best.

What do you think? Have you ever looked at parenting the way I used to? What do you think of your role as a parent? Is it fear-based?

You Have to Adapt With Parenting

One of the ongoing struggles in my life is the health/emotional struggles of my oldest son. For several years he has dealt with never-ending migraines. He is also coping with stomach and joint issues. We have been to so many doctors and have spent so much money on tests and medication. Nothing has really worked. Part of the problem is that he hasn't tried very hard or been diligent to follow through with the suggested treatments or ideas. I worry constantly if he can manage college in the fall if he can hardly get out of bed to go to high school. Sometimes I get so angry with him and with the situation. I tend to say and do stupid things to him in my frustration, which is a bad parenting strategy, by the way.

Last year my son had a total mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual breakdown. It was terrifying to watch and experience. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my entire life than at that time. I felt like a total failure as a parent and I blamed myself for the problems he was having. Our relationship was horrible, full of conflict and difficulty.

After our house fire, things actually got better, but I have no idea why. Maybe we all recognized what we could have lost and just kind of reconfigured things from there. I still feel like much of relationship with him is still very tentative and tenuous.

A couple days ago I was venting my frustrations/worries/fears to my husband and told him that I felt if our parents were in this situation things wouldn't be the way they are. My husband reminded me that our parents had different challenges with different successes and failures.

Today I was listening to a podcast with a woman whose teenage son committed suicide. She was talking about learning from the experience and how to be a better parent. Then she said something her therapist told her. He said in a fight or conflict, lean toward the relationship. That may mean lowering expectations or changing how we parent but always work on the relationship. She also said that things are really different right now and are changing so rapidly that we have to adapt to the times to survive.

Hearing that just took off the bricks of shame I've been carrying. I'm parenting and trying to parent in the best way I can. Of course, I make mistakes that my children have to suffer for. I can't parent the way I was parented because times are different and the kids are different. I'm trying to adapt and change as the situation demands. I feel a lot better about some of the decisions I have made.

I want to strive to look at parenting, not as something I do perfectly without mistakes, but as a journey where I learning and adapting. And above all, loving my kids as fiercely as I can.

It's True, I Am a Total Mess, But I Keep Showing Up Anyway

Sometimes I feel shame and embarrassment that I feel so much frustration about my life and the way it has gone over the past two years. I don't exactly exude serenity or calm resignation. I want to be facing these challenges that continue to baffle me with more grace and calm.

I was beating myself up yesterday about my response and feeling terrible about how I am failing everywhere. My mind did a bang-up job of internally enumerating every flaw and failure and went on an epic bout of beratement. At the end of which, I felt absolutely terrible and a total mess.

Somehow, miraculously, a thought penetrated the dark fox later in the day:

Yeah, it is true, I am a total mess, but I keep showing up anyway.

I'm still showing up as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, and human being. I make dinner, wash laundry, scrub toilets, check homework, take kids to practices, attend school performances and games. I still hug and kiss my husband and we work through our problems, even when are both overwhelmed and exhausted. I still show up for my church responsibilities and also try to be helpful and kind to my friends. I have mourned with grieving friends who have lost parents or family members. I still volunteer at school, even if it is at more minimal level. I try to look for things to be grateful for.

The way I am feeling about my life and the challenges I cope with on a daily basis is pretty normal. It's normal to feel frustration when building permits are delayed. It's normal to be angry and exhausted having to do another temporary move. It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed and sad thinking about where I want to be versus where I am. It's normal to feel fear and anxiety about parenting. And actually, considering everything we have gone through so far, I'm doing really well and I have handled it with courage and grace.

All those feelings are normal and it is totally fine that I am feeling them. But I'm not allowing my struggles to prevent me from living. Maybe it's not my best life right now, but I'm still moving forward.

I am being adaptable and flexible, allowing these events to shape me to be a better human being. I feel a hundred times better thinking that, I'm a total mess, but I keep showing up anyway.