One of the ongoing struggles in my life is the health/emotional struggles of my oldest son. For several years he has dealt with never-ending migraines. He is also coping with stomach and joint issues. We have been to so many doctors and have spent so much money on tests and medication. Nothing has really worked. Part of the problem is that he hasn't tried very hard or been diligent to follow through with the suggested treatments or ideas. I worry constantly if he can manage college in the fall if he can hardly get out of bed to go to high school. Sometimes I get so angry with him and with the situation. I tend to say and do stupid things to him in my frustration, which is a bad parenting strategy, by the way.
Last year my son had a total mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual breakdown. It was terrifying to watch and experience. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my entire life than at that time. I felt like a total failure as a parent and I blamed myself for the problems he was having. Our relationship was horrible, full of conflict and difficulty.
After our house fire, things actually got better, but I have no idea why. Maybe we all recognized what we could have lost and just kind of reconfigured things from there. I still feel like much of relationship with him is still very tentative and tenuous.
A couple days ago I was venting my frustrations/worries/fears to my husband and told him that I felt if our parents were in this situation things wouldn't be the way they are. My husband reminded me that our parents had different challenges with different successes and failures.
Today I was listening to a podcast with a woman whose teenage son committed suicide. She was talking about learning from the experience and how to be a better parent. Then she said something her therapist told her. He said in a fight or conflict, lean toward the relationship. That may mean lowering expectations or changing how we parent but always work on the relationship. She also said that things are really different right now and are changing so rapidly that we have to adapt to the times to survive.
Hearing that just took off the bricks of shame I've been carrying. I'm parenting and trying to parent in the best way I can. Of course, I make mistakes that my children have to suffer for. I can't parent the way I was parented because times are different and the kids are different. I'm trying to adapt and change as the situation demands. I feel a lot better about some of the decisions I have made.
I want to strive to look at parenting, not as something I do perfectly without mistakes, but as a journey where I learning and adapting. And above all, loving my kids as fiercely as I can.
Last year my son had a total mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual breakdown. It was terrifying to watch and experience. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my entire life than at that time. I felt like a total failure as a parent and I blamed myself for the problems he was having. Our relationship was horrible, full of conflict and difficulty.
After our house fire, things actually got better, but I have no idea why. Maybe we all recognized what we could have lost and just kind of reconfigured things from there. I still feel like much of relationship with him is still very tentative and tenuous.
A couple days ago I was venting my frustrations/worries/fears to my husband and told him that I felt if our parents were in this situation things wouldn't be the way they are. My husband reminded me that our parents had different challenges with different successes and failures.
Today I was listening to a podcast with a woman whose teenage son committed suicide. She was talking about learning from the experience and how to be a better parent. Then she said something her therapist told her. He said in a fight or conflict, lean toward the relationship. That may mean lowering expectations or changing how we parent but always work on the relationship. She also said that things are really different right now and are changing so rapidly that we have to adapt to the times to survive.
Hearing that just took off the bricks of shame I've been carrying. I'm parenting and trying to parent in the best way I can. Of course, I make mistakes that my children have to suffer for. I can't parent the way I was parented because times are different and the kids are different. I'm trying to adapt and change as the situation demands. I feel a lot better about some of the decisions I have made.
I want to strive to look at parenting, not as something I do perfectly without mistakes, but as a journey where I learning and adapting. And above all, loving my kids as fiercely as I can.
1 comment:
I don’t spend much time on the computer socially but I follow “Light the fight” and found you on Heidi’s Instagram. I have a 13 year old struggling with similar health issues. I research when I have time and energy which has led me to a few good things we’ve done. She took some Pre and pro biotic products (Triplex system and other probiotics by Plexus) for 4 months. And also, what’s really helped, is learning she’s low in Vitamin D. That caused the dizziness and headaches and nausea. The Plexus probios come with a magnesium which helps detox and the probiotics help the balance of good bad microbes in the gut so she doesn’t crave sugar and things that compound her problem. Leaky gut is probably been a factor. To ease her burdens, she started online school and I let her focus on making her own decisions which has helps a lot with anxiety. She has to be accountable and helpful at home, but the reward is some, a lot, of freedom that is important to her. She has guidelines & restrictions to work within but what we have done is working right now.
I was the oldest in my family. Sometimes the oldest takes a hit bc the younger ones require so much time and attention, but I really hope things work out soon for your oldest son. I am sure he is frustrated with not feeling well. Sometimes it’s hard to explain what’s wrong, when you’re not at your best. I would definitely foster and “lean” toward the relationship! When you get him & his health back, he may be your greatest ally ☀️ Those symptoms sound auto-immune based, so you could look that direction. My girl was diagnosed with lots of allergies, outdoor and foods which take a toll on energy and vitality. We are starting immunotherapy. Luckily she hasn’t complained of stomach aches and joint pain in a while and is overall better after 3 months of 15000 in rx vit d. It’s been nice to start getting my girl back on track. I know your son will be amazing when he is better also. I hope he figures things out and that he can help you understand and support him in his needs while he, and all of you work through the struggles you face. Carry on Good Mama! Good luck —Patience and prayers to you
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