Friday, April 26, 2019

Total House Renovation: Part 1-The Kitchen

My readers and friends know that on July 24, 2017, we had a serious house fire. The fire started in the garage and was extinguished fairly quickly but the smoke damage was extensive. While the exterior was saved, the entire interior had to be gutted and completely rebuilt. This was a long, painful, and agonizing process but the pay-off was huge. I thought I would do a series of posts on the rebuilt and explain the choices we made in the remodel.

The fire as seen from the road. 

First, we bought our house in 2013 and lived in it for four years before the fire. In retrospect, this was good because we learned what did and did not work about our house. Therefore the changes we made were very practical and informed by how we lived in the house. A few quick details about our home. It was built in the late 1960s and is a typical raised ranch; it was fully renovated before we bought it. We loved our home pre-fire and found it very comfortable and livable for our family of eight.


This is kind of a messy picture from the kitchen but does show the layout. It was designed in a U-shape.  The appliances were a good size and I had plenty of room to cook and work. The eat-in kitchen area was not adequate for our family size and we often angled the table in odd ways to make it work. In March 2017, we removed the french doors in the eating area because they were drafty and always bumped into the table and replaced them with sliding glass doors.


This is what the kitchen looked after the fire.


After the entire house was gutted. This is the kitchen area.


When planning our kitchen we worked with Anson Fillerup Design to create the initial design. We decided to eliminate the wall between the kitchen and living room and put in a large beam to stabilize the area. Peter came to our home, took extensive measurements, and crafted a design that was aesthetically pleasing and practical. He has a genuine gift for visualizing spaces and transferring them to sketches that I could understand. We refined the design and analyzed the use of every single cupboard, shelf, and drawer with custom cabinet maker, Lisa Turner of  Modern Cabinet Company based in Poughkeepsie, New York. They have their own factory and create the cabinets on site.

Our top needs for the kitchen were: adequate cabinet storage for cooking supplies and food, functional layout that accounted for our use of the space, and adequate space for a large table to seat our entire family. Additionally, I wanted the space to feel light and airy without being so large that it was overwhelming.

The Final Design!

We had a major hiccup in our design when we realized that the refrigerator we ordered was too large for design. With a lot of thought, we flipped the island from a vertical orientation to horizontal and switched the refrigerator with one of the pantry cabinets.

I wanted grey painted cabinets and chose Benjamin Moore Pearl Grey for the color. I love it because it is quite light but is different from the typical white kitchen. I feel like this is a classic design that is fresh and modern. The island is painted Benjamin Moore Hale Navy (HC-154). I chose this before everyone and their dog started doing this, lol! We opted to put trim on the beam between the kitchen and living room. I like it because it visually separates the spaces while still keeping everything unified.


I did not want tile on the floor because I feel tile is hard on my back. The floor is hardwood and is stained red mahogany. The handles and pulls came from Home Depot.

We have a huge pantry area that makes my baker's heart sing.



All the appliances are GE Profile. The counters are quartz. We chose a concrete grey from Ikea for the grey cabinets and purchased them during the annual kitchen sale. We purchased the white quartz with grey veining from a local stone dealer in Cortlandt Manor, NY. We opted for quartz countertops because they are so durable and require absolutely no additional sealing and maintenance. I love how easy they are to clean and that actually look clean when I wipe them down.


The island light comes from Wayfair. I love the low profile of the light! The island chairs come from Ikea. They are sturdy, attractive, and easy to clean. The island has a stand for my KitchenAid mixer and comes out to counter height. We have racks for bakeware. We also have two large deep drawers where we put kitchen appliances. The other side of the island has a small bookcase for my cookbooks.



We have a deep single bowl sink from Kraus. I don't remember where we ordered the faucets from. The faucet on the left is for filtered drinking water (with an RO filtering system) because we use well water. We have a trash compactor that we love as it reduces the volume of our trash significantly and is easy to use.

The backsplash is a classic white subway tile. We used that because we had a surplus of tile from the bathroom and I thought it worked well with the kitchen.








I love my kitchen. It is a dream to use for baking and cooking and a dream to clean. We have deep dish drawers right by the dishwasher which makes putting away the dishes so easy and fast.

Any questions or comments? 

Sunday, February 10, 2019

The Strength of a Small Community

Recently, my little town in New York was featured in the New York Times. The article touted the lakes, beautiful forests, good schools, and affordable homes. It forgot to mention the community spirit, but how could a real estate reporter cover that? It takes living in this community, experiencing firsthand that generosity and participating in acts of community generosity to fully understand the power of this community.

We moved to Putnam Valley five and a half years ago. I honestly didn't think much about the community until we were confronted with their generosity during and after our house fire. Here are some ways the community reached out to us: neighbors provided places for us to stay, diapers and clothing were immediately donated, so many clothes were donated that each of my six children was fully outfitted for school that fall, thousands of dollars were donated to our family to help us get back on our feet, each of the school principals contacted us to assess immediate and long-term needs, people have listened to us and consoled us, my neighbors have been so patient through the rebuilding process, the post office has bent over backward to help us keep our mail situation under control, we continue to feel the town's love, support, and sympathy for us as we finish rebuilding our home. I cannot think or talk about these experiences without openly weeping. We were so overwhelmed with gratitude at the kindness and generosity extended to our family.

But this isn't unusual for our town, not by a long-shot. Here are some of the things that our town has done to help others over the past 2 years:


  • Provided support through money and assistance to the family of a 4th grader who was killed in a car accident.
  • Provided support through money and assistance to the mother of a 5th grader who was killed during the terrible March storms of 2018.
  • Provided assistance and help to a veteran whose roof had been damaged from the March 2018 storms and whose insurance wouldn't cover it.
  • Wore purple and had a special day to support a young girl who has a rare genetic disease.
  • Two local mothers gathered donations to help a large family with multiple small children for Christmas.
  • Each year the elementary school gathers donations to send care packages to deployed service men and women.
  • Each year the elementary school gathers specific donations to provide several full Thanksgiving dinners for local families.
  • Recently a senior at the high school died in a tragic accident. Students created t-shirts in his honor and each of the sports teams purchased and wore those shirts at their final athletic events. The money from the shirts was donated to the family. Homes all around the valley were lit in blue to honor this young man and his family. A go-fund-me account was established and the goal was quickly met.
  • When one of the 4th-grade teachers had a severe infection on her brain stem, meal trains were established along with other concrete actions to serve the family--despite the fact that they lived in a different town.
  • People are often quite generous in donating time, money, and talents for local fundraisers.
  • All three schools have several events and activities dedicated to helping others in significant ways.
  • Neighbors rescued a man who had fallen through the ice at a local lake.
I could go on and on. When someone is in need or in crisis, our town steps up. We aren't perfect by any means, you should see the squabbles and fights about cell-phone towers, school budgets, property taxes, etc. But when push comes to shove, if you were in trouble, the town you would want to be in would be my town. 

I have relayed my experiences to friends in Sweden and family in Wyoming. They have all been astonished by the support and love we received. New Yorkers have a tough reputation, justly earned. But underneath that gruff exterior, usually lies a heart of gold.



Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 in Review

Happy New Year!!! I love to do these annual reviews as they give me much needed perspective about the year. The review also helps me decide what to focus on in the coming year. I know that I am looking forward to more routine and better habits in 2019 as this year has been filled with tremendous transition and upheaval. 

My biggest wishes for 2019 are to return to our newly rebuilt home and develop structure, order, and routine into our lives so that we can move forward in tackling our dreams.





January

Started with gorgeous snow blanketing the earth and was probably our most peaceful, quiet month. 
Josef and Jonathan finished their basketball seasons playing for the town leagues.
Peter Fillerup, of Anson Fillerup Design, visited us in New York and created a gorgeous and practical design for our house. 
I finished the Self-Reliance course on Starting Your Own Business, which gave me invaluable tools in building my genealogy consulting business.
Winter started preschool and loves it!
Winter also turned 4 years old.
Trent got a nasty impetigo infection on his forehead- leading to future outbreaks in his siblings throughout the year.



February
I went to Madrid with two of my favorite people in the world, Christine and Laurel. It was wonderful to be back in Europe and to explore a new-to-me country.
Brent and I celebrated 21 years of marriage.
Trent wrestled on his High School Wrestling Team.
We had an uncharacteristically warm day in February which led to a blissful outing at the beach.
I presented about writing a personal history to a local chapter of the DAR.
We hired a contractor to rebuild our house.
Brooke got impetigo.



March
A series of storms slammed the northeast and our little town was hammered. We lost power for over a week and the kids had snow days for several days. We spent a lot of time connecting as a family.
Brooke marched in a St. Patrick's Day parade with her best friend.
Josef held a chicken.
Winter went on an Easter egg hunt with her friends.
We hired an architect and tried to resolve a tricky septic issue with the town and we started working with a kitchen designer.
I turned 41 years old.
Jonathan performed in his elementary school production of "Knight at Dawn."
Winter got impetigo.
Walter competed at WESEF.
Walter got accepted to BYU-Provo.

  

April
We visited Sweden, Norway, and Denmark where we visited our friends and went to all our favorite spots.
We packed and moved to a new house.
We worked on getting the permits approved for our house so we could start rebuilding.
Winter had another bout with impetigo and the doctor gave us surgical scrub to stop the cycle.
Brooke performed in her middle school musical, "The Wiz"
Trent stuck a tiny piece of tape in his ear and I removed it myself instead of going to the ER.
Walter competed at two other science fair competitions.


May
We tried to settle into our new rental and hoped that work would commence on the house.
I got a KitchenAid stand mixer I dubbed Martha.
Brooke, Winter, and I drove to Kentucky to visit two of my sisters.
My husband's sister and her family visited at the end of May.
We went to our first ever professional baseball game--we saw the Mets.
Jonathan and his 3rd grade class visited Hammond Gardens.


June
They started working on the house.
The septic guy redid our septic system.
Josef graduated from 8th grade.
Walter went to prom and graduated from high school.
The 2017-2018 school year ended.
Winter went to her first swimming lesson.
Brooke attended New Beginnings in anticipation of joining the Young Women Organization in August.
Brooke and Josef started practicing for swim team.
Walter and Josef went to scout camp.
Brooke went to her first Girls Camp.


July
Brent and Jonathan went to Wyoming for Independence Day.
We couldn't renew our lease and had to start looking for new housing.
We went to the beach as much as we could.
Work on our house was very, very slow.
I had a mini breakdown in the middle of the month because I was exactly in the same place a year ago: my house was still burned down, we didn't have a place to live in September, and my son was still struggling badly with depression.
The 3 younger kids and I drove to Wyoming with stops at Wall Drug and Mount Rushmore. We went camping with my sisters and parents.
Trent turned 17.
Josef turned 15.


August
Walter and Trent got their wisdom teeth removed.
We attended Brent's niece's wedding in Utah.
Brent was called and ordained to serve as Bishop of our ward.
We prepared to move, again.
I went on a quest to find a bed I could sleep on without suffering.
Brooke went to the temple for the first time.
My son was able to get some much needed treatment for his depression.
I took two trips to Wilkes-Barre and Plymouth, PA to do on-site family history research.
We went to the beach and Six Flags.
We enjoyed the Dutchess County Fair.
We negotiated a new lease and didn't have to move, hallelujah!!!
Walter left for his Freshman year at BYU-Provo. Brent flew out with him to get him settled.
Brooke turned 12.



September
All the kids started school: Winter (preschool), Jonathan (4th grade), Brooke (7th grade), Josef (9th grade), Trent (11th grade), Walter (university).
I went to Nashville for a scrapbook retreat and made some new wonderful friends.
I visited Wyoming for a quick weekend.
Trent PASSED his driving test and is now a fully fledged driver!!!!


October
Brent had PRK surgery on his eyes to correct his very, very bad vision.
The kids visited their dad at IBM for a full day of learning and activities.
Jonathan was chosen to work on the Safety Patrol.
Winter wrote letters to her cousins with elaborate drawings and stories.
Walter turned 19.
Jonathan turned 9.
Winter and I visited the Botanical Garden in New York City.
Brooke dressed up as Pliny the Younger and her friend dressed up as Mount Vesuvius.
Winter dressed up as Rapunzel (because the dress was purple) for Halloween.
The rebuild of our house actually started to pick up.


November
I was sick all month with a bad cold and sinus infection, and then I suffered from some side effects of the antibiotics.
I went to the Met Opera for the first time with friends.
Brooke and I went to a Christmas craft activity.
I did a lot of genealogy research on my own family.
Trent and Josef went to the Harvest Ball.
I finally figured out that my design style is Scandinavian.
We tweaked our kitchen design and made more choices about the house.
We went to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for Thanksgiving with two of my sisters and their families.


December
More house preparations and finally getting ready to move.
Lots of Christmas preparations.
I discovered a new author-Susanna Kearsley.
We celebrated Advent and worked on a beautiful book about Jesus Christ throughout the season.
Winter was the most beautiful Lucia girl and we celebrated the holiday at her preschool.
Brent and I had a much-needed getaway.
Tile, trim, paint!!!!
We had a big PTSA fundraiser.
Brent and I attended Handel's Messiah at the Carnegie Hall which was performed by Musica Sacra.
We attended some wonderful Christmas parties full of music and friends.
Some of the kids went with Brent and me to NYC for a wonderful Christmas Eve.
We had a fantastic Christmas.
We went ice skating as a family and then absolutely crushed an escape room.
Brent celebrated his 43rd birthday!



So there you go, a super crazy, stressful, busy, adventurous year. 

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Thoughts on a Late Spring Day

Right now my yard looks like this with a big gaping hole, a mangled old (and holey) septic tank, and a small excavator working its magic. I'm familiar with the look of dug up dirt, tracks from machines, and the earth torn up from my dad's work as a dirt contractor building roads and bridges when I was a kid, to now working at a gypsum mine. We are putting in a new septic tank and fixing some problems in the system so that it will function well and efficiently once our house is rebuilt.


Speaking of my house, a lot of work has been done already. Most of the inside has been framed. We've picked out the most essential pieces of the bathrooms so the plumbing can be installed.


I'm starting to think about paint colors and other details that need to be decided. After all these months of waiting and stress, this is really starting to feel real.

My yard is a total mess with overgrown grass, trees, and bushes that need to be trimmed, and branches that need to be cleaned up. I love my yard and hate to see it suffer. But next year I will be able to tend it properly and make changes there.

In the meantime, the peonies were generous this year and are bringing me joy in my temporary house.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

I Was Totally Wrong

I've been doing this parenting gig for 18 years. With six kids ranging in ages from 4 to 18, I have a pretty decent amount of parenting experience.


I have had this idea or expectation about parenting that I was supposed to: a) protect my kids from harm and b) teach my kids so they would make good decisions and go down a good path.

Turns out I was totally wrong. I definitely think that parents should protect their kids and teach them good principles. BUT, I can't realistically protect my children from every harmful thing (physical or emotional) and I certainly can't control my children's choices. Heck, I can't even make my son turn in his chemistry lab. For a while, I've been beating myself up about my parenting weaknesses, failures, and mistakes. I guess I'm really good at the self-flagellation thing, but it is a horrible space to occupy mentally and can be really hard to recover from.

So here is why I think I'm wrong about how I viewed parenting. The truth is my job as a mother is to love my kids unconditionally, help when they get hurt (physically, emotionally, or spiritually), and to help my kids figure things out whatever choices they make. It's a relief to reframe my responsibilities in that way. First, I am really good at loving my kids. Second, I am good at helping when they get hurt. Third, I have enough life experience to help my kids navigate their choices.

The way I have approached parenting up till now is fear-based which is completely exhausting. Trying to protect one's kids from everything means living in fear constantly and coming up with every scenario and then creating solutions or plans to avoid the pain. Fear is also the primary motivator with ensuring my kids make all the right decisions. That doesn't allow them to grow.

I don't think I really was abiding by the original parenting philosophy but I sure was beating myself up when things went wrong, as they inevitably do. I think my second approach is better because it frees me up to do what I do best.

What do you think? Have you ever looked at parenting the way I used to? What do you think of your role as a parent? Is it fear-based?


Thursday, May 3, 2018

You Have to Adapt With Parenting

One of the ongoing struggles in my life is the health/emotional struggles of my oldest son. For several years he has dealt with never-ending migraines. He is also coping with stomach and joint issues. We have been to so many doctors and have spent so much money on tests and medication. Nothing has really worked. Part of the problem is that he hasn't tried very hard or been diligent to follow through with the suggested treatments or ideas. I worry constantly if he can manage college in the fall if he can hardly get out of bed to go to high school. Sometimes I get so angry with him and with the situation. I tend to say and do stupid things to him in my frustration, which is a bad parenting strategy, by the way.

Last year my son had a total mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual breakdown. It was terrifying to watch and experience. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my entire life than at that time. I felt like a total failure as a parent and I blamed myself for the problems he was having. Our relationship was horrible, full of conflict and difficulty.

After our house fire, things actually got better, but I have no idea why. Maybe we all recognized what we could have lost and just kind of reconfigured things from there. I still feel like much of relationship with him is still very tentative and tenuous.

A couple days ago I was venting my frustrations/worries/fears to my husband and told him that I felt if our parents were in this situation things wouldn't be the way they are. My husband reminded me that our parents had different challenges with different successes and failures.

Today I was listening to a podcast with a woman whose teenage son committed suicide. She was talking about learning from the experience and how to be a better parent. Then she said something her therapist told her. He said in a fight or conflict, lean toward the relationship. That may mean lowering expectations or changing how we parent but always work on the relationship. She also said that things are really different right now and are changing so rapidly that we have to adapt to the times to survive.

Hearing that just took off the bricks of shame I've been carrying. I'm parenting and trying to parent in the best way I can. Of course, I make mistakes that my children have to suffer for. I can't parent the way I was parented because times are different and the kids are different. I'm trying to adapt and change as the situation demands. I feel a lot better about some of the decisions I have made.

I want to strive to look at parenting, not as something I do perfectly without mistakes, but as a journey where I learning and adapting. And above all, loving my kids as fiercely as I can.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

It's True, I Am a Total Mess, But I Keep Showing Up Anyway

Sometimes I feel shame and embarrassment that I feel so much frustration about my life and the way it has gone over the past two years. I don't exactly exude serenity or calm resignation. I want to be facing these challenges that continue to baffle me with more grace and calm.

I was beating myself up yesterday about my response and feeling terrible about how I am failing everywhere. My mind did a bang-up job of internally enumerating every flaw and failure and went on an epic bout of beratement. At the end of which, I felt absolutely terrible and a total mess.

Somehow, miraculously, a thought penetrated the dark fox later in the day:

Yeah, it is true, I am a total mess, but I keep showing up anyway.

I'm still showing up as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, and human being. I make dinner, wash laundry, scrub toilets, check homework, take kids to practices, attend school performances and games. I still hug and kiss my husband and we work through our problems, even when are both overwhelmed and exhausted. I still show up for my church responsibilities and also try to be helpful and kind to my friends. I have mourned with grieving friends who have lost parents or family members. I still volunteer at school, even if it is at more minimal level. I try to look for things to be grateful for.

The way I am feeling about my life and the challenges I cope with on a daily basis is pretty normal. It's normal to feel frustration when building permits are delayed. It's normal to be angry and exhausted having to do another temporary move. It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed and sad thinking about where I want to be versus where I am. It's normal to feel fear and anxiety about parenting. And actually, considering everything we have gone through so far, I'm doing really well and I have handled it with courage and grace.

All those feelings are normal and it is totally fine that I am feeling them. But I'm not allowing my struggles to prevent me from living. Maybe it's not my best life right now, but I'm still moving forward.

I am being adaptable and flexible, allowing these events to shape me to be a better human being. I feel a hundred times better thinking that, I'm a total mess, but I keep showing up anyway.