Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Wondering Wednesday: Pain

I awoke this morning feeling a lot of pain, pain in my finger joints specifically, and a generalized achiness in my body. It's actually very minor compared to the flares of lupus pain that have swept through my body in the past leaving me weak and fragile.  Still it is a reminder that I live with a chronic illness that can flare up at any time.

On days like this, I engage in an intense inner debate. Do I take ibuprofen to reduce the inflammation and dull the pain a bit? Do I take it easy today? One part of me wants to lay in my bed and cry a bit. The other part of me urges to just suck it up and get on with life.

When I was really sick and tired, I did have to suck it up and get on with life because I literally would never have gotten out of bed. At that point, I didn't feel any better for laying in bed than I did getting up and moving around. I don't feel that way anymore because I have more good days than bad days. I don't even need to trick myself out of getting back in bed anymore.

In some ways, I am taking it easy. I had the boys prepare dinner with my verbal instructions. I can't handle a knife today in any way. I will probably do a soothing yoga routine instead of a heartier cardiac workout. Instead of cleaning with the kids, I directed them from a soft spot on the couch. I might even lay down on the couch and read for a bit. I guess that's the middle ground right there.

I think my hardest challenge when dealing with this type of pain is my emotional reaction to it. I feel cranky and irritable. My muscles clench and my stomach feels unsettled. I have a hard tempering my reactions to the normal ebbs and flows of family life. When this happens, I try to be honest with my kids by explaining my pain and then telling them I am trying to do my best to decent but I am having a hard time.

So there you go. I am unable to transcend my human body currently coping with pain. I just want it to go away.


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